The universe keeps conspiring to delay the new feature I keep promising. First it was computer trouble. Then it was travel. Then America's Prom Date got engaged. Now Roger Clemens has returned to baseball again. For those of you who live under rocks and rely on my site breaking this story some 48 or so hours after every other media outlet in the known world, he signed with the Astros.

Like anyone who has the ability to while away the hours talking to the flowers, I knew that he wasn't going to sign with the Red Sox. Of course, Red Sox fans and the media in Boston managed to convince themselves that they had a chance to land him. Among the reasons that were bandied about, my favorite had to be that Roger Clemens is a student of baseball history.

Whether or not he is a student of baseball history is not really all that important at this point. What takes the jam out of my doughnut is that Red Sox fans fly to their computers and dredge up all manner of statistics to prove that would induce the Rocket to return. The logic underpinning their argument, in one instance, depended on the fact that Roger Clemens remained tied for the lead in wins by a Boston Red Sox starting pitcher with Cy Young at 192. Apparently, Roger would be so eager to knock Cy Young from first place in the franchise record book that he would sign to play in Boston.

I would be willing to concede the fact that this is a compelling point but for two things. First, only a moron would leave the situation Roger had in Houston (proximity to home, retractable roof, only having to travel when he was slated to pitch, etc.) to come to Boston. Second, Red Sox fans are endowed with a marvelous ability to delude themselves into thinking that their team exists in a idyllic paradise wrapped in a vortex.

What would fans say when the Rocket passed on a road trip when his turn in the rotation came up if he played for the Sox? What would the media write about and talk about when the Rocket elected not to travel with the team? I can see wave after wave of tripe flowing from the laptops of the CHB, Steve Buckley, Bob Ryan and the rest of the knights of the keyboards. Apparently Boston fans have an insatiable appetite for clches and unimaginative prose. New heights in those areas would be reached with that media feeding frenzy.

That's pretty much all I have to say on that score right now. I don't want to get too far out on that limb until I see Clemens win a couple of games. The last thing I need is to end up looking like a tool because Clemens came back to the well one time too many.

I do have two other comments to make on Red Sox Nation. First, how did Jerry Remy become some sort of cult figure? I don't want to get in too deep about his playing career, since he nearly put a beating on Don Orsilio in that whole "I could hit .260" spat they had a few days ago. The man is a below average broadcaster. He hypes himself and his business interests without pause, and without shame. There are at least three or four plays per game where the audience is left in the dark about the actual action on the field so that Remy and Orsilio can babble about totally pointless and bizarre things (I am aware of the inherent hypocrisy in my criticism of anyone on these grounds, since this blog is nothing but one insane tangent to an insane tangent. I, however, am not paid to do this. There is also no editor or support staff to help me here.)

The other comment I want to make is back on Theo. Why does he insist on skulking around the city in disguise? I'm sure it must have been the thrill of a lifetime to jam with Pearl Jam. Imagine how much more thrilling it could have been if Pearl Jam had released a decent album in the last 8 years. And as for Pearl Jam's local fan base, I'm sure they felt cheated out of the chance to give Amerca's Prom Date a standing ovation when they found out the next day.