While I have been trying to avoid posting in the middle of a bender, tonight it seems as though I have no choice. Our long national nightmare just keeps dragging on as the Patriots refuse to do the right thing and lose. Even as the core of their defense ages in dog years, with Bruschi, Seau, Harrison and Vrabel winding down at the wrong time, they still manage to win week in and week out. And it's a damn shame.

I must confess, I was amazed to see two personal fouls called on Rodney Harrison in one season, let alone one game. He is a great player, and although it hurts me to say this, a sure-fire Hall of Famer. That said, he is now, and has always been a dirty player whose playmaking capacity, strength and toughness grow impressively in inverse proportion to his opponents' abilities to deal damage in return. In that sense, he is the evolutionary Jack Tatum, a kinder, gentler cheap shot artist for the Bill Clinton era in America.

I am coming to the conclusion, to borrow a phrase from an old episode of the Simpsons, that the Patriots suffer from Three Stooges Syndrome. If you remember, a doctor at the Mayo Clinic explained Mr. Burns longevity was a result of that condition, that there were so many diseases and conditions attacking him at once that they cancelled each other out. The Patriots have so many dueling vulnerabilities that they just might be invulnerable. And what a shame that would be for the Republic.

But after a certain point, how can one maintain interest in ripping a functionally illiterate quarterback, a sunshine soldier at lead wide receiver and a decrepit defense? Especially when they seem hell bent on getting stronger and faster and healthier with each swipe I take at them. I know they are a very good team, and I think I'm devoted enough to intellectual honesty to give the Devil his due when I criticize them. It just seems that they are so eminently beatable that this little thing of theirs has to come to a screeching halt at some point. I just wish it had been tonight, 16-1 had such a lovely ring to it.

The real story of today, however, is the savage beating Green Bay applied to Seattle. I have always expected to be a minor villain in the local sports scene, what with the fact that I harbor deep-seeded irrational antipathies to every local team and all. I didn't expect to become a minor villain to a lunatic fringe group of Seahawks fans because I dared provide a rational analysis of their team, their town, their "traditions" and their QB.

Seahawks fans, or at least the few that tripped over this blog in the dark, took umbrage at the fact that I called Matt Hasselbeck the fifth best QB in the NFL. I think the real thorn in their side came out of my assertion that the gap between 1-4 and 5 was bigger than the Grand Canyon. And yet as we sit here tonight and look back on the mauling they received at the hands of the Green Bay Packers, I could very nearly take a small measure of solace from the fact that I was more right than they were. Favre, Romo, Brady and Manning aren't in the same league as Hasselbeck.

I just wish the Packers had had the chance to utterly humiliate Seattle in the Emerald City in the vicinity of the 12th Man. Since they have a proclivity for stealing traditions from Texas A & M, I have a suggestion for Seattle fans. Texas A & M plays Taps across campus when one of its alumni who serves in the military dies in the line of duty. It occurs to me that the Seahawks fans could construct a similar ritual for this time of year when the Seahawks' Super Bowl hopes are crushed.

They shouldn't play Taps, since that would insult the brave men and women of the United States Armed Forces, but they should be able to create a parallel tradition for their own minor tragedies. Yeah, Seattle has loud fans. So do most NFL towns. And most of them didn't boost their nickname from the town in the Wizard of Oz. So maybe Seahawks fans could gather and play Follow the Yellow Brick Road to mourn yet another year of Seahawk failure when the chips are down.

And as for the 12th Man, I haven't the time or the inclination to do the research right now but we all know they ripped of Texas A & M. In point of fact, I have the time, but I am a bit buzzed right now and working real hard on a full-on drunk, so I just won't do it. But I can, through the imperfect medium of my memory, trace Texas A & M 12th Man references back to the 1986 bowl game where the 12th Man selected to cover a kick from the Texas A & M student body tried to steal a towel from Heisman Trophy winner Tim Brown as a souvenir. I can't trace the Seattle 12th Man back past the turn of the century. Case closed.

Before I conclude yet another meandering window into my own tormented mind, I want to say one more thing. In the past, Tom Brady has come under fire in this space for being a balding metrosexual. Perhaps I ought to have been more sensitive, since it must have been difficult to blaze that trail as publicly as Tom Brady has, but sensitivity isn't my strong suit.

That said, Tom Brady seems to have more hair now than he did at this time last year. Now, I wouldn't be much of a Catholic (and Lord knows, I'm not) if I didn't allow for the possibility of miracles, but I don't believe in this particular miracle. Never having set an NFL record myself, I don't know if setting the touchdown mark cures minor physical ailments, but I think old Tom Brady might just be on the Rogaine or at the very least sporting hair plugs. Could this be some sort of under appreciated performance enhancer? Would that I knew enough science to investigate.

Rest assured that my running debate on the Roger Clemens story with the KobraKommander will be resumed in the not too distant future, if for no other reason than this is my blog and I'll be damned if I let him have the last word.

So, our long national nightmare drags on. The Patriots are still undefeated. The Giants did manage to play surprisingly well. I have never had much faith in either Tom Coughlin or Eli Manning, so I went into the bar to watch last night's game without a lot of hope. And the Giants played just well enough to get me excited, only to pull the rug out from under me when they eventually collapsed.

There are some encouraging signs. Tom Brady set the single season passing TD record. Randy Moss set the single season receiving TD record. The Patriots set the single season scoring record. And they became the first team to go through a sixteen game regular season without losing. And in all of that I can still find some positive aspects.

First, the last two QBs who set the single season passing TD record did so in seasons which did not culminate in championships. Then there's the fact that Jerry Rice set the single season record for TD receptions in a season in which the 49ers didn't win the Super Bowl. And the last two teams that set the single season scoring record (the 1983 Redskins and the 1998 Vikings) failed to win the Super Bowl. Not only that but the suffered embarrassing losses (the Raiders blew the Redskins out in the Super Bowl and mighty Minnesota lost to a terrible Atlanta team at home in OT in the NFC Championship Game).

It is true that this season for the Patriots has been utterly without precedent, from the head coach being mired in the most inexplicable scandal since Watergate (why, by the way, did Nixon even bother breaking into the DNC offices? He went on to win 49 states, were his preliminary polling numbers that out of whack?) to the 16-0 finish. But only one team has finished a regular season undefeated and gone on to win it all since the days of the Decatur Staleys and a ten team league. That was the 1972 Dolphins. There were two Bears teams in the late 30s and early 40s era that went undefeated but lost the NFL Championship Game.

I guess it depends on perspective. One can see history and karma being full square behind this Patriots team, or one can see history and karma setting a massive ambush for this mob of cocky nitwits. And based on the crowd at the bar last night, I get the sense that very few people deserve a comeuppance more than Pats fans. I actually overheard a guy at the bar refer to Mangini as "Mangina." And he seemed to be one of the more enlightened and articulate Pats fans in the place.

Far more vexing at the moment was the crime against aesthetic sensibilities perpetrated by the Dallas Cowboys this afternoon in the nation's capital. What the hell happened there? Did Jerry Jones forget the shipment of Diet Pepsi Max? Did he finally grab the headset from Jason Garrett and take the helm? I know the weather was frightful, but with the way they played you'd think that none of the Cowboys had ever seen rain before in their lives.

Having said that, I am not too nervous about their chances to advance to the Super Bowl. After all, most of the same people who are hyping the dangers of facing the Redskins in the playoffs were sitting there around Thanksgiving time telling us exactly how dangerous the Minnesota Vikings would be in the playoffs. Funny how that ended up working out these last few weeks.

I suppose it is unfair to dismiss the Vikings at this point. After all, they do still have the potential to surprise a few teams this postseason. I imagine they just might be able to rush onto the field in Seattle or Pittsburgh as though it were Wrestlemania. Or they could really impress the other guests at whatever resorts they will visit while the teams that actually made the playoffs are busing playing this January.

I would like to see the Redskins win next week. Even before I earned the ire of a few losers who root for the Seahawks, I didn't much care for the team. I just didn't like the way the team and the fans reacted to the bad calls in the Super Bowl two seasons ago. It's not as though they would have been so interested in the pure technical art of officiating a professional football game had the calls gone in their favor. Plus Matt Hasselbeck is a bald whiner and a proud product of Boston College.

I just don't see it happening. Todd Collins has been a great story so far and they have the sympathetic angle covered because of the tragic death of Sean Taylor. But that sort of thing only takes a team so far in the playoffs. I remember back in 1991 when Mike Utley was paralyzed playing for the Lions and his thumb up gesture as he was carted from the field galvanized the team for its stretch run. They made it all the way to the NFC title game, but it all came to a crashing halt against the Redskins under the first Gibbs administration.

Incidentally, that was also the year that the Falcons latched on to the MC Hammer song To Legit to Quit. Of course, like so many of my digressions, this has no real point. But they rode the momentum of that dreadful song and the pointless human interest story it generated for nearly two months. Fortunately, they rode the momentum right into the divisional round in old RFK Stadium and the Redskins crushed them 56-17. I really don't know why I bring that up, except that it is on my mind right now, and (at least to me) moderately amusing.

What really concerns me about the Redskins going forward is their defensive backfield. This is a trifle indelicate, considering I've already mentioned that their Pro Bowl caliber safety was murdered in the not too distant past. But I just don't see them being able to contain the Seahawks vastly overrated group of wide receivers. Stopping the Cowboys today, with TO on the sidelines and an understrength Terry Glenn trying to get some game action prior to the playoffs in a driving rain storm is one thing. Holding down Bobby Engram and Nate Burleson in front of the even more massively overrated 12th Man is a whole different story.

I will, I think, be posting more about the playoff matchups as we get closer to game time next weekend. I also have to collect my thoughts tomorrow to see if I can find a way to talk myself into a plausible scenario which ends in Illinois beating USC in their first bowl game since 2001. It's definitely doable, but I have to consider the ramifications of the SIRSN jinx, which has claimed more victims in the last 18 months than the SI jinx has in its lifetime, I think.

I had intended to post about the inconveniences of holiday travel and a bit on the Celtics-Pistons game this evening. And then I checked email and looked at some of today's headlines. From that brief venture, I have come away with the conviction that Curt Schilling does indeed intend to seek elective office after he retires from professional sports. And thankfully, according to what ought to be the first law of democracy in practice, whatever benighted muckers elect him to represent them will get exactly what they deserve.

Schilling was recently quoted calling on Roger Clemens to give back the Cy Youngs he won since 1997 if Roger cannot clear his name in the wake of the Mitchell Commission report. I don't know if they taught Curt this one little point in any of the courses he's taken on the way to becoming the self-proclaimed voice of truth, justice and the American way, but a person is held to be innocent until proven guilty under due process of the law.

This isn't an American concept. This concept predates the founding of the United States by over 570 years. It predates the first permanent European settlement in North America by some 370 years. It comes from the Magna Carta, which (to put it in terms the average Red Sox fan can understand) is basically the OG of documents establishing the legal tradition for the English speaking world.

I will admit that I have been otherwise occupied over the last several days. Apparently, I must I have missed the proclamation which handed over ultimate authority over matters of common and constitutional law to a cat who looks like Humpty Dumpty and is one trip to the DL away from being a has-been.

So far, the chain of evidence against Clemens seems to include a former trainer who is, himself, under federal indictment and the admission of Andy Pettitte that he used HGH on two occasions. Now, I'm not a legal scholar, but it seems to me that extrapolating any illicit use of banned performance enhancing substances on Clemens' part must then rely on hearsay and conjecture. If I'm not mistaken, it can be devilishly tricky to build a case in a court of law on hearsay and conjecture, what with the fact that that sort of evidence is (at least de jure) in admissible in a court of law in this country.

Provided, of course, that the rule of law still rules in this country, there is no way a responsible court can punish Clemens. If no responsible court can punish Clemens, then there is no reason on the face of God's green earth to take the Cy Youngs back from Clemens outside of the fact that Curt Schilling has opened his mouth and spoken with the voice of God.

If Curt Schilling had an IQ sufficient to chart on any sort of reasonable test, perhaps he'd have realized by now that he does more damage to his image each time he flaps his gums on this sort of thing. Something tells me that John McCain might not be to thrilled that one of his foremost celebrity supporters just can't stop being a total douche for the benefit of the media. Perhaps Schilling should do us all a favor and abandon public life in favor of playing more Everquest.

Hell, he's already half a LARPer at this point. He might as well go all out and dress like an Orc and run around with the world's biggest tools and argue over who hit whom with what in some sort of hideous live action version of Dungeons and Dragons. The only reason I'm not demanding that he do so instantly is that it would make the CHB a very happy man, and that's not good for America.

I also find myself once again defending Terrell Owens. I think it's a good thing that TO suggested that Jessica Simpson give Texas Stadium a wide berth for the time being. Now I might be a very cynical person and a terrible human being, but I have the nasty suspicion that Jessica Simpson just might be in this budding relationship with Tony Romo to see and be seen more than out of any altruistic romantic motivations. But that's just me.

Consider this: what has Jessica Simpson done lately? Ostensibly, she is a singer and an actress. The only problem - she hasn't been in a film or released an album in a while. Of course, I could very well be wrong there. I didn't see Dukes of Hazzard or Employee of the Month, so I haven't been following her film career. I also pay very little attention to the ways and means of contemporary pop music, so she could have released 50 albums in the last year, for all I know.

What I do know is this: sooner or later, some kind observer usually finds his or her way clear to tell me when some momentous development in the entertainment industry breaks. Lately (as in since about 2004) none of these bulletins that have reached me under my rock have involved Jessica Simpson. Preening in a pink #9 jersey in a luxury box in Texas Stadium seems to be the only way she can get herself in the media, short of downing bottle after bottle of pills or turning herself into a train wreck.

As for the other side of this sordid little problem, there are those who can say that Tony Romo ought to be above this sort of distraction. It shouldn't matter how many of his celebrity girlfriends are in the stands at any given moment. But I say this, Tony Romo has really only been a celebrity for about 13 months now. It's still something he's trying to learn to live with.

Sure, Tom Brady didn't have the same type of problem with the confluence of his personal and professional life. But, at the same time, he wasn't as big as star as fast as Tony Romo has been. Dallas is still America's Team, and the Patriots didn't really get that kind of media exposure until they were well on their way to a second Super Bowl title. Plus Brady played at Michigan, as opposed to Eastern Illinois University.

Furthermore, Romo might not be a regular Alfred Einstein, but he is somewhat brighter than Brady. Where Tom Brady has barely enough grey matter to master the playbook and game plans of the Patriots, Romo is just bright enough to let the media distract him. And it's not exactly as though TO forbade her to enter the grounds of Texas Stadium. He just pointed out that she could be a distraction and wished that she wouldn't come to the games.

If any other player on any other team in the league had said this, it would have been a mildly amusing flap that would have died down within about 12 minutes. However, TO dared to be relatively quiet and blend in with his teammates as much as he possibly can this season. And for that, the media had to punish him. After all, TO's job isn't to excel on the football field, nor is it even to catch passes for the Cowboys. Rather, TO's solemn duty is to provide countless path of least resistance stories to the legion of media drones who don't want to break a sweat when they cover the NFL. And if that means mountains must be made of molehills, then mountains shall be made.

Consider this piece, suggesting that TO is responsible for the Cowboys' problems. First of all, how many teams would trade problems with the Cowboys any day? They are 12-2. They may have identical records with the Green Bay Packers, but they beat the Packers soundly, not three weeks ago. They have the inside track for home field throughout the NFC playoffs until someone takes it away from them. And yet they must be on the verge of collapse, at least until the media needs yet another new angle this season.

There are some occasions when I wish I were a Patriots fan. Not to enjoy this undefeated season in the making, not to jump on the bandwagon and not to find out if, as the old saying goes, ignorance is bliss. But to be able to quip after the Patriots bye this week that the NFL finally found a way to stop the Pats from scoring. I imagine that if I were as dumb as the average Pats fan, I could convince myself that I were clever dropping a line like that.

Thanks to Mike Shanahan's hesitation and a fair-sized hangover, I left Travis Henry in my fantasy lineup this week. So his DNP didn't help, and Manning's epic six interception performance still ending up netting 21 points thanks to a FFL commissioner whose struggles with incompetence should make him the subject of a made-for-TV movie of the week, I came in to tonight's game trailing by 1.5 points. All I needed was one catch for six yards from 49ers TE Vernon Davis to win. That didn't seem like an unreasonable expectation, did it?

Of course, with the brilliant pass protection scheme of the San Francisco offense keeping Davis in for max protection, even though it didn't work at any point in the game, that simple hope was doomed from the start.

This season has forced me to face an unpleasant reality. So much attention has been paid to Tony Romo's new contract, Brett Favre's milestones, Peyton Manning's Super Bowl championship and Tom Brady's illegitimate kid and amazing stats. But there has been a vast, dishonest, corrupt conspiracy to divert attention away from the greatest quarterback in the game - Matt Hasselbeck. With the way he put up numbers against the 49ers in tonight's game, the NFL must waive the whole retirement for five years requirement to induct him into the Hall of Fame immediately.

I've been wondering why Hasselbeck is shunted aside in favor of guys like Manning and Brady. It can't be a question of talent, numbers or overall success. It has to be because he's bald and he has that sad little emasculated voice that distinguishes true he men like Hasselbeck and Bill Simmons. Hell, field generals like Joe Montana and Johnny Unitas wish they could have an epic moment like the overtime playoff game when Hasselbeck announced over the stadium PA when the Seahawks won the coin toss that the Hawks would take the ball and win the game. Alas, Hasselbeck threw an INT which Al Harris returned for the winning TD.

It must be a conspiracy, though. It can't be because Hasselbeck is barely above-average at his position. Nor can it be that he is more prepared to provide an excuse for his failure than to drive his team to success. Nor can it be tied to the fact that he plays in a dick town whose most notable football tradition was shamelessly ripped from Texas A & M. As an aside, why couldn't Seahawks fans have stolen the bonfires which collapse and kill the builders instead of the 12th man.

Unfortunately, the story didn't garner the national attention it deserved, but Hasselbeck and his teammates made sure to remind themselves of Super Bowl XL prior to this season's meeting with the Steelers. They brought motivation from the bad calls which they felt deprived their team of the championship they so richly deserved. Whether it was because he spent too much time reading his playbook out loud to clam his children, because State Farm wasn't there for him, because they dwelt too much in the past or because the Steelers are just that much better, the Seahawks were soundly beaten.

This game against San Francisco is fairly typical of Hasselbeck's career. The Seahawks came in expected to win, even without Deion Branch and Shaun Alexander. San Francisco has been dreadful all season, no matter how much they spent this offseason. And Hasselbeck was throwing the ball all over the place. He's always very good in the games he's expected to win. But when the team plays a better team, he folds.

I said all that because Steve Young appeared in the broadcast booth tonight, complaining that Hasselbeck is ignored because he plays in the Pacific Northwest and toils on a team with very little tradition of excellence, so they don't draw media attention. That isn't the case, necessarily. With so much coverage by ESPN, ESPN2 the NFL Network and FSN, with the interest in fantasy football and with the internet, fans have so much access to so much football information at every minute of every day. If fans aren't focused on a player it's performance based, not regional bias. Maybe Hasselbeck is the fifth best QB playing right now, but the Grand Canyon separates him from 1-4.

In other news, BC lost again this week. It seems like an annual rite of passage, like the swallows returning to Capistrano in California in March. Thanksgiving approaches, BC controls its own destiny for an automatic berth to a BCS bowl and a .500 team upsets them. And all of a sudden, there is no BCS berth. And then the whining about BC missing out on higher profile bowls because of the perception that BC fans don't travel well begins in earnest.

Ladies and gentlemen, as depressed as I am that the New York Yankees are no longer playing while the Boston Red Sox still linger on in these playoffs, I have a more pressing concern on my mind. In my understanding of the pass interference rules, a defender cannot cover a pass receiver by standing in his face and raising his arms. That seems to me to be the very definition of face guarding.

And yet that is exactly how Jabari Greer covered Terrell Owens in the end zone on the attempted two point conversion which would have tied the game. Of somewhat less importance, that two point conversion would have clinched the victory in my fantasy game this week. It also would have given Buffalo a chance to win their first home Monday Night Football game in 13 years.

Of course if Tony Romo had taken care of the football just once and spared me an interception or the fumble, I would have won and that two point conversion wouldn't have mattered for fantasy purposes. I would still be bent about it, as anything that adversely impacts Terrell Owens is anathema in Cincinnati Kid land. And no matter what happens, next Sunday when the Patriots go down to Dallas, Randy Moss will still be the second best #81 on the field. But I'll explain why I feel Dallas will win this game as the week progresses.

Before I leave aside the NFL for the week, I have two things to say. First, I jinxed Romo and Owens by taunting a close friend whose fantasy game had already been decided by 0.1 points in his opponent's favor. And finally, hopefully this kid Foulk nailing the 53 yard field goal even after that late timeout trick invented by Shanahan earlier this season wiped what we thought was the game winner off the bear will end the trend and the debate.

Other people will be more interested in whether, or perhaps when, Joe Torre posts his resume on Monster.com in the next few days. I felt it was time for a change last season after they got crushed by the Tigers. I just got the feeling as I watched him in the last couple of seasons that he looked tired. That he was managing this team as though it were 1998, and the last six or seven seasons hadn't happened.

The Yankees have an interesting blend of old players and prospects like Hughes, Cabrera and Chamberlain coming on strong. It just might be time for a change, not because Torre is a bad guy, not by a long shot, nor a bad manager. But he's been in one place so long, how could things not stagnate after so long.

Torre has had great success. Even though the Sox are still alive, and he's on his way out the door, it will be a very, very, very long time before any two Red Sox managers match that level of success for that long. It might even require a miracle with this ownership group in place. Hell, one could win 5 straight World Series in Boston and still get fired for wearing his shoes in the cabin of John Henry's yacht or failing to genuflect when the RemDawg walks in the door.

But what am I to do going forward? I don't really want to see these Indians win the title, but for the next few days, I'll root harder for the Indians than I feel comfortable doing. Because anything is better than a Red Sox win. As my friend the Cubs fan said while this nightmare unfolded in the Bronx: "It looks like we're Rockies fans now."

I don't want to see the Dbacks win. Maybe it's a lingering aftertaste from the 2001 World Series. Maybe it's their terrible uniforms. Maybe it's because the last thing a real fan wants to see is the half-assed media circus that would surround the meeting of JD and Stephen Drew should the Sox and Diamondbacks play a World Series. I imagine Joe Buck and Tim McCarver could beat that to death before the first pitch would be thrown.

I'm intrigued at the prospect of who replaces Joe Torre, and I'll be posting on it in some detail in the not too distant future, even if it is after Steinbrenner makes his decision. I'm just too tired tonight. I will sign off with this thought: God help us all should the Pats, Celtics and Red Sox win it all this year. With so many miserable bastards involved in pulling the strings of these ghastly marionettes, this level of success cannot be healthy for the Republic.

It seems my panic about my fantasy team was all just a big waste of time. Thanks to a great second half from Tony Romo and TO, me team came back from the dead. It is still possible that I could lose, but it would require an earth-shattering performance from Anquan Boldin to bring my opponent back into striking distance. It almost makes me feel guilty for calling him Mr. Bean's stunt double in last night's post.

Today was a pretty good sports day, all things considered. My fantasy team is winning going away, so I don't have to eat all the trash I talked in the week leading up to the game. And things shook out as they should have in the New England sports scene. The Red Sox lost and the Patriots were caught cheating. Maybe not a perfect day, but I'll take it.

Scott Kazmir once again emasculated the mighty Red Sox lineup, employing his vast array of spit, shine and various and sundry other illegal balls to prevail in a 1-0 decision. You know he had to have cheated because the Red Sox hitters can't be thwarted so completely without some sort of chicanery being utilized against them. Unfortunately, this outcome cannot stand. Surely MLB will review the sublime performance of Curt Schilling and award him the victory to prevent him from suffering any indignity.

I must keep this brief tonight, as I am stunned into silence to see that the New England Patriots have been accused of stealing signals from their arch-rivals the New York Jets. I will not sit here and listen to any hint that a team coached by Bill Belichick could stoop to an underhanded, laughable psyche out ploy like this. Next thing you know, you'll be telling me that Belichick was the sort of guy who might be labelled a home wrecker in a nasty divorce case. Or that the team owner would be deprived of one of his world championship rings by a ruthless despot.

In other news, in a shameful ploy to exploit their new connection to Japan, the Red Sox will open the 2008 season in Japan, playing against the perennial underachievers from Oakland. The good news is that this will provide Red Sox fans with a convenient excuse when this team stumbles out of the gate next season. I should, perhaps, be a little bit more circumspect on this matter, since I have been assured that JD Drew will be a bargain next season. Maybe this trip to Japan is just a front to help him find his mojo.

For some reason, I have developed a knack for spotting tools in the crowd shots as I watch football games. Tonight's top tools include a guy in the Bengals stadium sporting a storm trooper costume from Star Wars painted orange with black stripes. If I had a picture to caption and a penchant for pathetic plays on words, I would caption said picture: "Attack of the Clowns." And then there was the guy in San Francisco who elected to rock a beanie with a propeller and a team logo beach towel or blanket as a cape. If that weren't enough, he meandered through the crowd playing a banjo. The ensemble is so pathetic it defies my ability to come up with an insult.

As I spoke about this with a friend this evening, the question came up as to whether one or the other could compete in a tool-off with the South Florida fan who wore a singlet to the Auburn game. I would give the edge to the guy in the singlet, since a man should never wear any skin tight garment in public. That is a woman's prerogative, provided that she's attractive.

I'm not sure if I should give you this link, but it's pretty damn funny. I would recommend that you exercise caution before you click it, as it is a bit loud and might be construed as offensive. I don't want to hear any complaining if you get your dumb ass fired opening this in an office or place of business. But it is a few laughs, so check the video out when you get a chance. And if you get offended, well, I tried to warn you.

Again, it's been a fairly long time since I last posted. Sorry. Maybe I would have more than two loyal readers if I updated more often, but what can you do? As Eddie Curry once said: "Some nights the effort's there, some nights it's not. There isn't much I can do about that." A lot has happened since that last post. And I have a few things to say about the last two weeks.

Every time I write something positive about the Cowboys or the Bears, the teams seem to regard it as license to go in the tank. Two days after my defense of TO, he's over at the Eagles' hotel visiting people the night before the big game between his Cowboys and their team. On the off chance that you read this, Terrell, do me a favor. As your last fan in America, all I want is for you to play one game without a catastrophic public relations mistake. Just one. Maybe then you can build on that. But baby steps, as Bob from What about Bob would say.

Then there was Tony Romo hugging Carrie Underwood on the field during warm-ups. There was a time when Bill Parcells ruled his teams with an iron fist. This simply would not happen back in the day. Madden was right to be surprised and right to say that he'd go nuts if the situation had happened on the field when he coached.

It isn't any of any one's business whom Romo dates and what he does when he isn't on the field. However, when he is on the field, he has the chance to do something that millions upon millions of guys in this country would kill for, and for which he is well paid. He ought to act accordingly. On the field before the game he should be focused on the game.

That said, I don't have a problem with TO signing the football, or Chad Johnson proposing to the cheerleader. I don't even mind TO defiling the Star when he played for San Francisco. In my way of thinking, it's not the same type of distraction. A touchdown celebration can be childish, but there is a certain amount of evidence to show that the player who celebrates must have had his head in the game, at least enough to score in the first place. In the end NFL players are paid to put points on the board and win games. Celebrating like an idiot isn't a problem for me because they've done their job.

Hugging an attractive celebrity when you ought to be thinking about the Philly defense and winning the game isn't a good idea. In fact, it seems like something one could expect to see in the Nationwide insurance "Life Comes At You Fast" ad series, followed by a quick cut to a group of Eagle defenders bearing down on a starstruck/lovesick QB. I didn't expect to see it from a Bill Parcells team. The atmosphere created by that hug and that hotel visit is a big reason Dallas is playing in Seattle and not hosting a game this week.

As for the Bears, there really isn't anything to say about the loss to Green Bay. As for their QB situation, what can you do. Maybe I'll finish the version of The Night Chicago Died that I promised in the buildup to the Pats vs. Bears game in November. I never finished it because I never thought I'd need it. Then I had to travel, then I got sick. I should get working, though, since it could be the third quickest exit of this NFL postseason behind Dennis Green and Jim Mora and slightly ahead of Nick Saban and Art Shell.

Then there is the Notre Dame debacle. Everybody said LSU would kill them, and kill them they did. It was a marked improvement over last year's blowout in the Fiesta Bowl, I thought. Yes, this year's margin of defeat was larger, but at least it was close for a while. The Ohio State game was a savage beating by the end of one quarter. I am deeply disappointed in the poor offensive play in the third quarter. I'm not surprised that they were blown out when they let LSU keep the ball for 10 minutes in the quarter. The defense was dead on its feet after that.

But as I said in the bit about TO, baby steps. Weis has reached two BCS bowls. They were slightly more competitive in this one than they were in the first. The next step is competing for an entire game. Then the next step after that is actually winning a BCS game. I am not overly concerned about the bowl losing streak. As long as they keep getting to BCS bowls, it's fine. As a fan, I'd rather have the team blown out in the Sugar Bowl than win 8 straight Who Gives A Damn Bowls like a certain ACC school with a fan base that doesn't travel well.

Of course today is a day that will live in infamy in Red Sox Nation. Bud Selig, the two Presidents Bush, the Three Billy Goats Gruff, the Bilderbergers, the Trilalteral Corporation, the Rand Company and the Knights Hospitaler have colluded with George Steinbrenner in such a way that Randy Johnson has been tentatively traded back to Arizona for Jose Viscaino, among others. The true injustice of this deal is that the Yankees are on the hook for only 1.5-2 million of his $16 million salary for next season.

Every right thinking American knows that the Yankees should have to pay far more than that. More, even, than the $16 million Johnson is slated to earn. I figure it should be in the $40 million range. Then the Yankees should have to pay for 4 or 5 teams entire payrolls. But to truly make it fair, the Evil Empire should be forced to reimburse the Red Sox for the ludicrous sum they spent to secure the negotiating rights to Matsuzaka. As for the salary the best pitcher since David from the Bible is set to earn, I think the Sox might be able to manage by sticking 100 more seats in Fenway. Anything more and the bubble gum might give out. I expect that the bailing wire might continue to hold the relic together for one more year, though.

On a final note, I saw Rocky Balboa tonight. I thought it was great. Outside of the scene with the licensing board and the scene where Little Marie brought him Adrian's picture, I would not have changed a thing. I thought it was the best installment since Rocky II (I am far less impressed with III and IV than some others are). I think it's a bit sad that we're losing Rocky now.

The character came on the scene in the mid 1970s when spirits were low. The economy was in ruins, Vietnam, Watergate, the oil embargo, rampant inflation, bell bottoms. Truly it was, as the late President Ford said, a long national nightmare. And there was Rocky. He made people feel like an underdog could go the distance against all odds.

And the strangest part of all of it is that Stallone created Rocky. He wrote the script. He was a down on his luck actor, a guy who had done a pornographic film. He had no money. But he wrote this script and wouldn't sell it (even for $100,000). So he gets a mulligan for Rocky V, and every other bad decision he made (Demolition Man, Judge Dredd, Stop or My Mom Will Shoot, all of them), except Cobra and Tango and Cash.

I think the one thing missing from this list of suggestions on how Rocky Balboa could have been improved is this: a tool from Connecticut who never slid into second base, whose athletic career highlight is donning a banana hammock and ski mask to parade in front of the giant windows in his college's library and running Norv Turner off a $5 blackjack table in Vegas could come and offer Rocky career advice.

It seems each day brings the Sports Guy closer to tool of the week or the Max Mercy Hall of Fame. Unfortunately I would then have to bestow that same honor on myself, and I'm just not ready to do it. He has it coming, had it coming for a long time. Since 2001 when he asked how long we'd have to wait for Springsteen to sell the Rising to Verizon. Imagine that. Bill Simmons questions Springsteen, implies that he might sell out. And I think to myself, what a wonderful world...

Unlike many people, I did not go into Rocky Balboa expecting a train wreck. I had no problem forgetting Rocky V and the brain damage. It isn't as though things like that have not been asked of us before in the franchise. Lest we forget that Rocky has sustained so much damage to his right eye in the first fight with Apollo Creed that there was a chance mentioned throughout the early stages of the film that he could go blind if he were hit there. And yet he goes on to defend his title a number of times, fight a charity exhibition against Thunderlips, fight Lang twice and Drago before fighting Mason Dixon. This injury to his right eye is also the reason for his switch from southpaw to right handed fighting. So I can suspend my disbelief.

Now it's 2007. This war we're in keeps getting longer. The economy isn't very good. Entertainment is dying around us. If you don't believe me, consider this: Alpha Dog is soon to hit theaters and it features Justin Timberlake and the cat from Girl Next Door as tough guys. Can Rosie O'Donnell playing a lesbian version of Richard III be far off? Truly that will be the winter of our discontent. You picked a fine time to leave us, Rocco.

PS - I apologize for that awful series of jokes/references, that was a very CHB way to end a post. So in the way of making up for it, I must confess that I had to see for myself if Adrian had simply been written out, or had Talia Shire died and I simply hadn't heard. As far as IMDB knows, she'd still alive. But tell me that you knew without clicking the link. What has she been in that hasn't been awful and a massive disappointment in the last 20 years? Look at her IMDB resume and tell me that isn't the career of someone who could have died ten years ago and no one would have noticed. And like that, a lightning bolt is headed this way.

After tonight's Bears-Giants game, it looks like the bandwagon is back in business. Good thing I stayed with it, even though it took a little while for the sprains, cuts and abrasions some of us suffered during the pileup last week to heal. Unfortunately, the performance of Thomas Jones proved to be a double-edged sword. While he killed the Giants, he also undid the excellent contributions my fantasy football team received from Terrell Owens and Tony Romo.

One thing that bothered me came up in the postgame show. Tiki Barber came up to Thomas Jones with a big smile and hugged him. I can appreciate a certain level of sportsmanship, congratulating a winner. I also realize that both guys played for the University of Virginia so there is a bond between them. I don't think a guy should be smiling and hugging his opponents after the game, especially after a loss.

That game could be devastating to the Giants. Each game in the NFL is huge. One NFL game has the same impact as 11 baseball games on the final standings and winning percentage. Now the Giants are only one game ahead of the Eagles and Cowboys (both of whom the Giants have beaten already this season) in their division and two games behind Chicago for home field throughout the NFC playoffs.

I think that one scene, Tiki smiling and hugging Thomas Jones might explain his lack of success in the playoffs. I don't mean statistics, necessarily, as much as winning the ultimate prize. He seems like a really nice guy, but he doesn't seem like a winner. I wonder what Vince Lombardi would say seeing one of his players hug an opponent after a big loss with a smile on his face. There is more to life than football, but if you can do something like that at the highest level and make a great living doing it, I think you should have more passion for it. So I won't be sorry to see him retire prematurely.

The question on the table about Tiki Barber is will he be elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. I don't think so. I don't think he deserves it. He has good numbers, but was he really ever dominant? Did he ever really seem like he was truly awesome? I have to say that I don't think Curtis Martin and Jerome Bettis belong in the Hall of Fame either. They'll probably get there, or at least Martin will. But I'm not sure they deserve it.

There might be an impulse to vote Tiki in because one could argue that he had a lot of potential when he retired. Those who take that line will likely point to Gayle Sayers who got into the Hall as much for what might have been had he not suffered devastating knee injuries as for his on the field brilliance. There might be something to say for that, but Tiki Barber never had that sort of brilliance. If you watch highlights of Sayers, he jumps out at you the way only Barry Sanders did. Tiki Barber has been good, but never really jaw dropping.

Plus he hasn't won a ring. OJ, Barry Sanders and others made it into the Hall of Fame without winning a Super Bowl or, in the case of people from before 1966, a league championship. But Tiki Barber doesn't have the football accomplishments that some of the backs achieved. When you think about Tiki Barber what comes to mind? For my part, I'll always remember him as a fumbler. Yes, since Tom Coughlin came to the Giants, Barber has changed his running style to better protect the football. He fumbles a lot less now than he used to, but that's what I'll remember his for, fumbling.

Rex Grossman looked pretty good tonight, for a change. It would be great to see him play this well on a more consistent basis. I am not too comfortable on the Bears Bandwagon with Rex keeping the keys. Things could get really ugly really quickly. After the near miss in Arizona and the disaster in Soldier Field last week, I have my seatbelt fastened and I'm bracing for an impact that could come at any minute.

The Patriots might not be the formidable obstacle to the Bears' season we were led to believe. After all, they lost consecutive games for the first time in over 3 seasons today. And the Jets are not a very good football team. I understand that Mangini knows the Pats very well, having coached on the New England staff for as long as he did. It also did not help that Bellicheck caused some controversy with his comments (or lack thereof) in the press this week. But the Patriots should have beaten the Jets.

For those who don't read Slate, Charles P. Pierce and Stefan Fatsis have been conducting a running exchange on the state of the NFL. It's amazing that a guy who wrote a Tom Brady biography and a guy who tried out for the Broncos could miss the point so much in such a short space. Football is one of life's simple pleasures. It shouldn't be analyzed to death. Also, the NFL is doing something right. Of all America's professional sports leagues, the NFL is by far the healthiest. One good way to end that is to let Stefan Fatsis and Charles P. Pierce get in and start running amok with the league's operations.

In other news, the Yankees traded Jared Wright to the Orioles. I'll have more to say about that move later on this week.