GREAT MOMENTS IN RED SOX HISTORY - INSTALLMENT 2

Dateline: 7/28/04

This should ring a bell with most people, since it was recently voted the most memorable Red Sox vs. Yankees regular season game since 1979 by the brilliant men and women who make up the ESPN Baseball Tonight audience.

Bronson Arroyo, who is now known in Cincinnati for his bat and his pitching and not his unbelievably terrible music, hit A Rod with his 81 mile per hour fastball. A Rod, tool that he is (bear in mind I write this as a hater of the Red Sox, not a fan of any team), took issue with that. There are a couple of ways to look at this. First, A Rod is a bully and a fraud trying to intimidate Bronson. Or, getting hit by a baseball hurts a bit, and A Rod was just a bi upset, as anybody would be in that situation. It isn't really important which interpretation you favor.

Jason Varitek took issue with A Rod's verbal jabs at Arroyo. Then Varitek pushed A Rod, and a fight ensued. The momentum of the game changed, Bill Mueller hit a walk off home run to end it, and the Red Sox turned their season around. They made a huge comeback in the ALCS and then beat the Cardinals (who were either confused about the start date, or simply had a morbid aversion to winning big games) in the World Series. That was not a good time.

Since that time, I have been assured that this particular game was of great import. I have also been told that Jason Varitek is a tough guy. Of course, I've been assured that Jon Stewart is funny, Santa Claus brings presents to good children, Diet Dr. Pepper does in fact taste more like regular Dr. Pepper and that there is a possibility that intelligent life could exist somewhere else in the universe.

Of all those statements, the only one I firmly believe is the first. It was a big game. I find Jon Stewart smug and insufferable. I think my problems with Mr. Stewart rest in a difference of opinion: he (or his writers) think that he is the smartest guy in the world, I think that alone doesn't make a guy funny. Nobody wants to see Stephen Hawking do stand up (his talking machine is really creepy, not very sensitive of me... but honest). As for Santa, if the virtuous were rewarded, there is no way that the Red Sox would have won it all. I can not say whether Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper. I hate them both. Jason Varitek's case is worth examining more closely.

If you look closely at the footage of Jason Varitek's confrontation with A Rod, you'll see some interesting things. When our so-called tough guy confronts A Rod, he is wearing a chest protector, a mask and shin guards. For all intents and purposes, he might as well have been wearing a suit of armor. A Rod had already gotten rid of his bat, leaving him unarmed and unarmored. And people expect me to believe that Varitek is a tough guy?

Carlton Fisk was a tough guy. He has to be considered the gold standard of toughness at that position, especially for the Red Sox. This fact has been amply proven, without my citing examples like the time beat down Thurman Munson and another Yankee who came to Thurman's aid in a play at the plate. I wonder, though, whether anybody could point to an instance where Fisk got in someone's eye and threw the first punch while he still had a mask on (I think we can say that Varitek's two handed shove to the chest/face of A Rod counts as a punch)?

In analyzing this fracas, it is just possible that I am overlooking one factor might mitigate Tek's behavior. I mentioned the mask, the shin guards and the chest protector, but what of the junk? Could it be that Jason entered a fray with a heroic disregard for the welfare of his family jewels? I must confess that I do not know if Mr. Varitek chooses to gird up his loins with a cup before he takes the field (and I am not in any hurry to find out).

It seems like it would make sense, since a stray bounce on a pitch in the dirt could render him a eunuch. However, I have watched his career somewhat closely since he came to the Sox, and I am not sure that this is something Jason need fear. I think the part of the body colloquially referred to in the last generation as the male anatomy is Mr. Varitek's least vulnerable spot. I think any man that starts a fight when he's virtually invulnerable has no need for a cup.

Jason Varitek is a bully, and a fraud. In short (and simply put for Red Sox fans) Jason Varitek has no balls. The events of 7/28/04 prove my point.

P.S. It has finally happened, Wily Mo Pena has caught Bronson Arroyo in their home run race on April 26. Imagine how wide that gap might have been if Arroyo played more than once every five days. Nice trade by America's prom date. Even better sentence fragment by the Cincinnati Kid.

The season is 9 games old and the Red Sox are in the midst of a losing streak. That is good news for people who hate the team. For people who love the team, there is a silver lining or two about this cloud. The Red Sox are 6-3. They're in first place. Their one-two punch of Schilling and Beckett are both 2-0 with ERAs under 2.0.

However, as Jerry Garcia once wrote, every silver lining's got a touch of grey. Coco Crisp is on the DL. He broke a bone in his hand sliding/falling into third base. We haven't seen an uglier slide outside of Ben Affleck's career since Good Will Hunting. You have to applaud the organization for its keen sense of timing, extending his contract right after he gets hurt.

Then there's the fact that the Red Sox took two of three from Texas and swept Baltimore. Apparently, the Rangers have a great offense. It looked great when they put up 10 runs in their lone victory. As they're now 3-7, it seems that too much was made of the Rangers potential and not enough of their inconsistency. Let's not forget the damage that a certain Texas first baseman did to Team USA in this spring's WBC (doubly surprising, as he was allegedly playing for America).

As for the mighty Orioles, what can I say? They are currently .500. I don't think anybody expects them to play quite so well over the course of a full season. When the one thing that consistently draws fan interest is a pitcher's wife, it's probably time to cut your losses, trade Miguel Tejada and try to rebuild.

Toronto is a different story. They spent a lot of money this offseason. They gave the Sox a tough time last year. Losing 2 of 3 to them isn't that big a deal, is it? On the surface, it isn't a big deal. It's a long season. They play the Jays 16 more times before it's all over. All these things are true. But then again, there might be some cracks in the facade of Red Sox Nation.

The new short stop is still a good game away from the Mendoza line. Mike Lowell had a great game in his Fenway debut, but what about the 4 games out of every 5 when Josh Beckett isn't pitching? David Wells looked sharp in his season debut, right up until the moment when he threw his first pitch. Matt Clement and Wakefield are both 1-1, but their ERAs are dangerously close to Boomer's playing weight. Jason Varitek may or may not have triumphed in his battle with functional illiteracy. The Curly Haired Boyfriend might be daunted by his success rate in some of his recent attacks on certain memebers of the team (Manny and his hustle and Carl Everett and his ...unique...beliefs come to mind), but then again he might be lying in wait to attack AGon or Lowell or some other unsuspecting member of the team. For too long now, David Ortiz has enjoyed immunity. Just because he is both immensely likeable (even I don't hate him, which is very rare for a Red Sox star) and a decent human being doesn't mean that the CHB won't attack him.

I must leave you with those cheerful thoughts, and the promise that the first of my Great Moments in Red Sox history will be up soon. And the Willy Mo vs. Bronson Arroyo home run watch is now 2-1 in the worst product of the Boston music scene since Boston's favor.