Tuesday, April 17, 2007


Ladies and Gentlemen, I realize that it's been a long, long time since I last posted one of these Great Moments in Red Sox History. But there really wasn't a lot I could do with the events that unfolded at the end of last season. The moments were either too insignificant or too catastrophic for me to mock. But that all changed on Patriots Day.

For the past year, I have portrayed Red Sox fans as a tribe of slackjawed morons, hypocrites and tools. And two fans sitting in the grandstand on the left field foul line decided they had to live up to all of the negative characteristics of Red Sox fandom in one shining moment of childish behavior. I'm sure you've seen this highlight a thousand times by now, but it's still worth watching again and again and again and maybe a fourth time.

So here it is, the triumph of Red Sox fan sophistication with the added benefit of Jerry Remy's keen analytical mind. One grown man took issue with another grown man eating a full pizza at a baseball game. In a free country. So the other grown man looked deep within his soul and summoned up every ounce of maturity he possessed. He took that maturity compressed it into a ball of fury, waited until his adversary was distracted by a foul ball and the opposing left fielder and lobbed a slice of the aforementioned pizza at the back of his antagonist's head.

It was a proud moment for Red Sox Nation. I have seen monkeys at the zoo comport themselves with a higher standard of decorum than these men exhibited. Of course when the monkeys are riled up what they tend to throw is a bit more unpleasant than cold pizza, but on the whole they're still better behaved than their less advanced cousins at Fenway.

I wonder what business is it of any fan's if a paying customer wants to eat pizza at a game. When a person goes to a game he or she tends to overindulge in unhealthy food and adult beverages. If the unhealthy food of choice happens to be pizza as opposed to the more traditional hot dogs or peanuts, so what? It's the same problem I have with people who decide that they and they alone are the arbiter of what potable can and cannot be consumed with a given food.

If I order a steak at a restaurant and I choose to have a Miller High Life with it, it isn't because I'm blundering along in the metaphorical darkness just waiting for some superior being to enlighten me as though I were one of the damn apemen from 2001: A Space Odyssey. It's because I like steak and I like High Life. I am what Charles Barkley would call a grown-ass man. I can make my own decisions. People should leave each other the hell alone, that way they wouldn't get a piece of pizza whipped off the back of their domes.

That said, people really hadn't ought to settle their differences by throwing pizza off the back of people's domes either. But what can you do if you happen to be a Red Sox fan and as such only discover your courage when an adversary is outnumbered or has his/her back turned?

To give credit where credit is due, I have to thank the man I go to for my Red Sox info and the man I go to for my Chicago (the sports scene, the city and the band of the same name) information, both of whom sent me the youtube clip first thing this morning. Keep up the good work.

And if that's not enough, Mitt Romney wants you to be his friend. On myspace, if not in real life. If only he'd explain what Elvis ever did to deserve such shabby treatment.


Anonymous said...

Is that supposed to be humorous?
You sound like the type of person who would have thrown the pizza. There are many different kinds of Red Sox fans, and the good ones rarely get noticed. That's because they are not dim-witted blowhards who call attention to themselves.
This obsession with the Red Sox and their fans serves you well as a distraction while the Cincinnati Reds struggle to finish a season above 500 in the squalid wasteland that is National League baseball.

thekobrakommander said...

... and you sound like the type of dim-witted blowhard that only discovers his courage when he's anonymous, not unlike our pizza-tossing 'celebrity' here.

It's been said before (in the inaugaral post of SIRSN), but it bears repeating, that thecincinattikid is not from Cincinnati, has never lived there, and is not a Reds fan -- he is a Boston native who simply can't stand the Red Sox and their fans.

thecincinattikid said...

There isn't much I can say in my own defense that Kobra Kommander didn't already cover. The only thing I would add is my memory isn't what it used to be. So I might be wrong in thinking that the defending World Series Champion Saint Louis Cardinals play in the Senior Circuit. Of course anonymous might be too busy leafing through the thesaurus for more pedantic synonyms for "funny" or forgetting the fact that I said we hadn't ought to resolve our differences by whipping pizza off the back of people's heads to known that the National League is known as the Senior Circuit.