Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight saw two unpleasant events unfold. First, the Red Sox beat the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, which sadly was not entirely unexpected. The next... there was a meet and greet for the losers running for president of Red Sox Nation. My shadow candidacy was not acknowledged, even though I am a much better candidate than any of the tools who showed up tonight.

I hate to be the one to break this story, but the whole event is a farce. Hazel Mae was the host of the event, and she's one of the candidates. Can you imagine the furor if Mitt Romney hosted a forum for the candidates running for President during the three year ordeal that is the campaign for the Oval office? We all know he couldn't under the law stipulating equal time for each candidate, and we all know that this campaign for president of Red Sox Nation is a lark as opposed to a serious undertaking. But the illusion of propriety would be nice.

Of course, none of this really matters, as this election is already over. No matter who gets the most votes, the Remdawg will be inaugurated. It's not outside the realm of probability that he could win this thing anyway, what with the people being mesmerized by his unique charm, which calls to mind some sort of hideous cross between Lennie Small and George Milton from Of Mice and Men.

With the increasingly disturbing rhetoric coming from the booth during NESN telecasts, I get the sense that Remy is preparing to step in and put an end to this farce saying that he has to become the Remdicator for the good of the Nation. He was complaining the other day that these candidates have their forum while he's on the road with the team. He keeps bringing up his own laundry list of what the new president of Red Sox Nation should do. And I get the feeling that no one among them, not even a man of Peter Gammons' eminence could do any of the duties of RSN president anywhere near as well as Remy, just ask him.

I have a big problem with this. Not just because I don't like Remy, I prefer him to the arrogant sycophant, Bill Simmons, and some of the other celebrity candidates. I would like to see RSN elect a loser like Rob Crawford whose smash hit I'm a Member of Red Sox Nation could very well make him the biggest tool of all time. I mean really, just because he likes the Sox and you like the Sox doesn't mean you won't regret the hell out of blaring the song when the novelty fades. I never thought I'd say this, but he makes Terry Cashman's song about the Cardinals sound like Tchaikovsky. Rob Crawford could probably do more damage to the image of Red Sox Nation across the country than I could, and that's one of my chief hobbies.

Then there's Dennis Drinkwater. Not being a fan of WEEI and the damn Whiner Line, I'd never heard of him until a friend did a Google search to see who the tool behind home plate during every home game was. Obviously he deserves to be president of RSN. I would be interested to know how many votes he gets and where the votes come from. It would be quite a laugh if he got fewer votes than he has employees.

Of course, as I've mentioned, I don't trust this process. Who is responsible for vote counting? If they're going to conduct this farce, then they owe it to us who must suffer through it to do it with a tiny bit of decorum. They ought to have an impartial outside arbitrator count up the votes so that we all know that this giant waste of time was a professionally conducted giant waste of time. After all, we don't want any situation wherein the newly inaugurated president of Red Sox Nation could suffer from a perceived lack of mandate.

Anyway, tonight, I eased the pain of being ignored in the candidates' forum by going to see Superbad. It was shockingly funny. I expected some lowbrow humor, and I wasn't disappointed. There isn't much in this world funnier than seeing a fat kid get a baseball bat whipped off his back while he runs away from the police and an angry old man. But I have come to expect long stretches where the lowbrow humor gets old and there isn't much for the movie to go on (like Talladega Nights, or Borat, or Dodge Ball), but Superbad didn't have any low points. I highly recommend it.

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