Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Sorry I haven't updated this blog in almost a week. The holiday turned into a bender that would rival anything Ray Miland did in the film Lost Weekend. It started off well enough, with Tony Romo, LJ, TO, Jason Witten and Ronnie Brown netting 78.2 points for my fantasy team on Thursday. Of course, I should have realized that there were ominous signs out there too.

For instance, I benched Lawrence Tynes in favor of Joe Nedney thinking that the 49ers in the Dome would be more likely to pick up points than the Chiefs against Denver outdoors. Tynes kicked four field goals. I also sat the KC defense, in favor of Jacksonville. And the Chiefs let up 10 points and won. The Jags let up more than 10 points in the process of losing to Buffalo. Of course I also psyched myself into benching the Jags D vs the Giants thinking the Chiefs would generate more points against Oakland.

Of course, BC lost to Miami in the Orange Bowl even though it was 22 years to the day that Doug Flutie threw the miracle pass that brought BC ever so close to being the major college program their fans believe them to be. To put into perspective just how bad Miami has been this season, there were 22,000 fans at the Orange Bowl. It's not just that this season cost Larry Coker his job, but the stadium was 1/3 full to face a ranked conference opponent with a mathematical chance at a BCS bowl berth. A fitting stage for the Eagles to fold.

Things were looking pretty good, up until Saturday night, of course. I think we all know what horrors transpired that night. USC played a very good game. Notre Dame played a very bad game. A lot of that had to do with USC having more speed. Who knows what might have happened if Rhema McKnight held the ball for what could have been 2 very important, drive prolonging first downs? Or what if Charlie Weis had played the percentages and not taken the risk to go for it on fourth down twice? Alas, for the would have/could have/should haves.

Notre Dame will probably still end up in a BCS bowl. Yes, they have two bad losses, but they came against two of the top three teams in the nation. The Irish, for all the talk of their weak schedule, will be the only team that can make that claim, until Ohio State plays USC (barring an epic, earth shattering upset by UCLA). For all the ink spilled over the mighty SEC, there is still the blot on their record in the form of USC's mauling of the Razorbacks, who just might end up as a BCS team this year. I am not sold on Houston Nutt, as I may have mentioned a time or two.

I am also not entirely convinced that a 1-loss Florida team will emerge from the SEC championship game. I don't know about Urban Meyer in the big game situation. I don't think he's the wartime consigliere that can push the Tebow/Leak mess past the high pressure atmosphere that will reign in the Georgia Dome. Of course any one who reads that ought to run out and bet the ranch on Florida with my track record as a prognosticator (legally, of course, I can't condone any illicit activities).

Boise State will be a BCS team. Rutgers has a decent shot, provided they can beat West Virginia. Oklahoma and Nebraska will fight for a berth in the big money games. Wake Forest or Georgia Tech will represent the ACC. And in all of that, there isn't room for Notre Dame. Their bad loss at USC was slightly better than Arkansas' bad loss vs. USC. There is the seamy economic side of the game which makes Notre Dame an attractive choice because Irish fans travel like crazy.

It's not like it's hypocritical to criticize the BCS for bringing in the Irish for economic reasons. After all, the BCS isn't set up to thwart a playoff which might distribute revenue more equitably among the schools which competed than the current system which overwhelmingly favors the major conferences. The whole system is a mess, and it's unfair. But why should Notre Dame have less of a chance than another two loss team that lost to lesser schools than Notre Dame did?

Then there was Sunday's debacle in Foxboro. I was there. I can't believe Rex Grossman and Ron Turner were able to get as far as they did in this life being so dumb. For the love of everything good and sane in the world, you'd think they would have stopped throwing the same deep pattern after Assante Samuel proved he could cover it twice. At least certainly not on first down with time enough to try some shorter routes to work the ball down the field. But that's what happened. And it made me look ever so slightly dumber than I had up to this point.

I suppose I ought to come up with the lyrics to the Night Chicago Died, as I said I would. That will have to wait at least a day, since it's late and I'm tired. Before I sign off, I do want to provide my tools for the week. I know there's supposed to be only one, but I found two in the same source that deserve mention. Actually, this could very nearly be a four for with the tools that are present.

The source is the most recent mailbag from Bill Simmons. The first noteworthy tool is the guy who writes in to complain that he was next to a table where a guy ordered a sirloin and then drank it with Bud Light. Last time I checked, this was a free country. If you want to order a steak and drink it with moderately priced domestic lager, that is your right as an American. Also, kudos to the guy because he can't rest comfortably in his own opinion without validation from the Sports Guy. And I thought I had no life.

Honorable mention goes to DeVito who wrote in to ask if some sort of Trading Places between Dane Cook and Dave Chappelle had taken place. I don't really understand all this anti-Dane Cook backlash. I know people who love him and people who hate him. I have no opinion on him one way or the other, which is shocking for me as I have very strong opinions on almost everything under the sun. Maybe this Slate piece helped Dane Cook in my eyes more than his "talents."

That was the problem all along. Dane Cook hasn't been threatening enough to the establishment, man. That's why Vladimir Lenin slipped through the cracks. He wasn't cracking jokes at the St. Petersburg Chuckle Hut, so the Tsarist secret police overlooked him. The first to man the barricades are always the stand ups. Dane Cook does what he does and people like him. What's the problem there? I think the real problem is that Dane Cook has hoodwinked the people through cheap pandering, whereas the true comedic genius of the author of Slate's Middlebrow column has gone unrecognized because its essence is a riddle wrapped in the enigma of subtle humor.

As for Chappelle, I don't know how talented he was actually. Yeah, there may never be another "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?" But if you watch Inside the Actors Studio with him, you'll see that the funny parts might have been the exception rather than the rule in his career. Maybe if he hadn't been so busy crying about what happened to Half Baked, he might have come out and admitted that he played a substantial role in Robin Hood Men in Tights.

But the real tool of the week is the last contributor. Not only did he introduce himself to our consciousness by referring to Simmons as Billy Boy, but it seemed like he derived entirely too much pleasure envisioning Bill Simmons dancing in makeup and a Colts jersey. Plus he was from Providence, which is another strike against him. I have nothing to say about the cat with the Lori Loughlin fixation, he already threw himself under the bus. What more can you say about that?

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