This was not a very good week in Sedition in Red Sox Nation land. I think, at this point, that I just might be out of things to say about Notre Dame. Maybe I might have something to throw out there if they ever manage to win a game, but that isn't looking very likely at the moment. Who knows what Navy is capable of after the last 40 years of losing to the Irish? And Duke is looking tremendously better than they have in living memory.

It is true that the last two weeks have seen some improvement. They seem to be moving closer to victory, but that's not the way things are supposed to be. That's not the way things are supposed to be at all. It was supposed to be a thing of beauty. Even if they manage to beat BC, it's still depressing. BC is supposed to be the spoiler of seasons, not Notre Dame.

And then for the first time since 1995, the Boston Red Sox have won the AL East. The Yankees twelve year reign of terror is over. If I were a Red Sox fan, however, I wonder just how optimistic I'd be as the playoffs open. In one way of looking at this matter, the Red Sox are rolling into the playoffs tied with the Indians for the best record in Major League Baseball. But that's only part of the story.

The Red Sox finished the season 42-30 against the AL East. The Yankees ended up at 39-33 in the division. There could be some small cause for concern there. After all, I'm sure Red Sox fans remember that the Yankees took the season series 10-8. That means the Sox won five more games against the Blue Jays, Orioles and Devil Rays than the Yankees did.

I hope Sox fans will forgive me for going the long way around to make this point, but the rest of the AL East wasn't particularly good this season. Toronto did finish two games over .500, which really surprised me. I haven't paid much attention to them, even when they play the Red Sox. But the Orioles finished twelve games under .500, and the Devil Rays ended the year two games behind them.

I said all that to say this - managing to beat these teams more than the Yankees did isn't a tremendously encouraging sign going forward. Last I looked, none of these teams are going to be playing in this postseason. The competition facing the Red Sox as they chase that World Series trophy is going to be slightly more formidable.

The Red Sox did win the season series against the Indians and the Angels. But it seemed that their victories against the Angels came early in the season and then later on the Angels got the better of the Sox. One wonders just how much this matters when the division series starts. I wish it weren't the case, but the Angels and the Indians scare me. And not in the good way. The matchups seems all wrong to me. I can't stand either team, so it will be a lot harder to root for them than it would be to root for the Yankees.

The last time the Red Sox and Angels met in the playoffs was in 2004, and the Sox swept them in the ALDS. I know that's all in the past now, but I don't see the Angels winning this one, to tell the truth. I know all about his stats and his talent, but something about Vlad Guerrero doesn't inspire confidence in me. Their running game could pose problems for Varitek whose arm isn't really all that good. But that hinges on them getting on base, and I'm not entirely sure that they will do it consistently.

Should the Red Sox win and the Indians prevail, I won't much enjoy the ALCS. Until guys like Travis Hafner and Grady Sizemore show me that they can produce in pressure situations, I won't be too optimistic about their chances. Obviously it's kind of hard to build a postseason resume when your team hasn't gotten into the playoff. But I don't remember them burning it up two years ago when they chased the White Sox down the stretch.

Of course the Yankees might be a more formidable opponent, and I'd love to see them beat the Red Sox because it will vex Red Sox fans much more than any other team taking an ALCS from them. Should the Red Sox fall to the Angels, that would be interesting, since they have had a nasty habit of beating the Yankees in playoff series lately. But I'm not too worried about that since, as I've said, I'm not holding out hope for an Angel win.

In unrelated matters, Donovan McNabb really showed me how wrong I was when I ripped him last week. He really took over tonight's game against the Giants, right? Getting sacked 12 times showed that his knee is completely healed, that he is the answer for the Eagles and the best QB of all time. Of course the dozen sacks weren't all his fault. Obviously the line sucked, and the coaches might have wanted to think about taking a different approach to blocking that guy who got six sacks by himself somewhere between sack two and sack six, but that's just me. But you can't tell me that McNabb couldn't have thrown it away two or three of those plays, can you?

This was an eventful week in the NFL to say the least. I must say that I am forced to recant all the mean, hurtful things I said about Donovan McNabb in the wake of the single most impressive performance by a quarterback in the history of professional football. Throwing for 381 yards and 4 touchdowns in a regular season game in week three just shut me right the hell up, right?

I realize the Detroit Lions were 2-0 going into the game against the Eagles. But I'm not going to let that bother me too much. As I keep saying, this early in the season funky things will happen. Look at the Packers beating the Chargers even though they can't run the ball. So even though Donovan McNabb did everything but cure polio again this Sunday, it might be a little early to reverse field on his play.

I might be more impressed with McNabb if he shows a capacity to produce like this consistently against good teams and goes on to win the Super Bowl, but before that I won't be making any apologies to him. He put up big numbers against a team that has been horrible for several years now. Only this and nothing more. Let's not forget that the Lions were probably distracted by the dreadful throwback uniforms that must have been worse in person.

What is far more vexing is the continuing problem besetting the Monsters of the Midway. I am inclined to blame Ron Turner more than Rex Grossman, even though Rex simply sucks right now. The Bears look like they have no sense of continuity on offense. It looks like the offensive staff comes into each individual drive with an attitude that says "Let's hope this works," rather than the attitude that this series of plays will work and will showcase their strengths and the defense's weaknesses.

Last night was difficult for me as a fan. I had to watch a game featuring a team I have championed for more than a year now facing a player that I have defended against all reason for quite some time. To the point, in as much as I have a favorite NFL team, at the moment it's the Bears and in as much as I have a favorite player, it's TO.

And to add into the mix, there is the problem of fantasy football. I have TO, Tony Romo and Cedric Benson. And I have a problem with following conventional wisdom. I benched Romo against Chicago to play Big Ben against the 49ers, thinking that the Bears would play a bit better. It's hard to say that cost me the game, though since LJ and Santonio Holmes didn't score. But it didn't help.

I think the Bears need to take this week to reevaluate what works in their system and what isn't working right now. They have the talent to run the ball well. Benson, I think, is a great back in waiting with his size and speed. They need to use him more consistently to keep his focus and his confidence in his abilities from going north and south. That's the real issue this week, not this quarterback controversy.

I think Rex sucks, but I have no faith in Griese. In a way, I'm glad Rex sucks right now. Wasting a season isn't a very good idea, but it's better to let him play himself out of Chicago than to let him play himself into a big deal and then turn back into a pumpkin. It is far more important to get the running game together so that they can extend drives, work the clock and rest a defense that is on the verge of mutiny.

Also, improving the running game will only help an offensive line that is all but complicit in Rex Grossman's poor play. Perhaps I'm an incurable optimist, but I think that better pass protection might reduce Grossman's interceptions by 25%. It would probably cut down on his fumbles, too. But then, as a Catholic, I'm obligated to believe in miracles.

It was unfortunate to see the Yankees lose to increase the lead of the hated Red Sox to 2 games. I'm not too worried. With the way the Red Sox have gone on winning streaks after every time I've enjoyed a sweep or stumble too much, I have been prepared for them to win the division. What I like most about this team is the way they have thrived on weaker competition. That won't help them in the postseason. But I'm not going to talk much about it until the possibility of the reverse jinx looms less large.

Well, our long national nightmare is dragging on and on and on some more. For the first time in the illustrious 120 year history of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish football program, the team has started a season 0-4. In my experience, when the Notre Dame football team makes history of late, it is not a good thing.

The first first I remember in the last few years was in Bob Davie's final season when Notre Dame started 0-3 for the first time ever. Ty Willingham's last season when Notre Dame allowed Tyler Palko of Pittsburgh to throw 5 TD passes, the first time an opposing QB had accomplished that feat against Notre Dame. And now, the school is 0-4 to start a season. But I'm not convinced that this should be Charlie Weis' last season.

For the first time after having watched a Notre Dame game this year, I am not utterly depressed. After losing 31-14 to Michigan State this week, I'm certainly not sitting here with a big smile on my face wearing my happy hat. It would be very difficult for me to wear a happy hat under an circumstance, since I do not own, nor do I have a desire to purchase such a garment. But I'm not moping the way I did last week.

Among the encouraging aspects of today's game...not only did Notre Dame score it's first offensive touchdown of the season at the 10:01 mark of the first quarter, but they also scored the second offensive touchdown of the season not too long after the fact. They played a very good first half, for a change. If the game only lasted two quarters, the team would have very nearly been in business. But even that mathematical impossibility couldn't have saved the Irish today.

The team also had a 100 yard rusher for the first time, but that ray of sunshine only served to illuminate another glaring weakness. Thanks to Irish announcer Pat Hayden for pointing it out, as I hadn't noticed (I'm not being sarcastic for a change). But the Notre Dame wide receivers are not very good. In my defense, the offensive line and running game have been so bad up until today that no one could stand in the pocket long enough to contemplate throwing the ball to the wide receivers.

Another problem that was very nearly rectified was the pass rush. When the two freshman outside linebackers (#56, Kerry Neal and #58, who hasn't played quite well enough for me to learn his name but he does have three years and a bit to go) were in the game, the Irish were able to bring heat on the QB for the first time all year. Unfortunately, when they were in the game, the Irish were more vulnerable against the run, particularly against the monstrous tailback Michigan State had.

I thought Maurice Crum Jr. held up better against the run, for the most part, in his new position in the Irish linebacking corps when they played in base defense. Unfortunately, their secondary let them down when they tried to play base defense. But at least there were some signs of life and more importantly some signs of fight in the Fighting Irish.

I was not too happy with the way the team came out in the second half. It's hard to evaluate the defense's performance when the offense was terrible and the punter looked like he just might have had the rent money on Michigan State. I don't mean to insinuate that he was corrupt. But he did have a pretty damn bad day. And he killed the team with short kicks that died in Notre Dame territory, even if his first kick did set up the poor field position which led to the turnover and the first touchdown of the season.

I realize that it's a sad day for fans of the Irish to have me grasping at straws to find small bright spots like this to try to redeem yet another brutal loss. I was right, though it's not much consolation, about James Aldridge being the answer at tailback (number 34, from last week's post), he was the 100 yard rusher today. And I guess I owe Travis Thomas an apology as he scored the first TD, so that makes only 10 or 12 negative plays for which he must make restitution.

I apologize for the coherence, or lack thereof, of this post. But you have to bear with me. It's been a bad day. And I have to live and die with Larry Johnson and Cedric Benson and their inability to get in the end zone as my fantasy team girds itself for what Fox Sports predicts will be a slaughter this week. Unfortunately, with Herman Edwards and Ron Turner involved, I think I might have to agree.

This week has provided a few candidates for this blog's Tool of Note segment. In fact, these candidates are so numerous and so outstanding in the realm of tooldom that it seems almost unfair to try to narrow them down and choose just one. So I'm not going to bother trying to pick a single tool, instead I will honor them all.

First, we have Donovan McNabb. My heart bled for him when he was assailed by Terrell Owens. But now, my heart bleeds for him no longer. Unless you live under a rock, you know by now that he has come out and stated that the media and fans place and undue amount of pressure on quarterbacks of African American descent. But for some strange reason, the entire world didn't come to an end.

If you have followed this blog for any length of time, it should be apparent that I have my reasons for disliking Donovan McNabb. I find him to be a whiner who is always ready with a reason for falling short rather than a plan to win the game. Those who would defend him can point to his statistics which are admirable, and the number of Pro Bowls he's been to, but those things aren't the object of the exercise in the NFL.

Even making the NFC championship game four consecutive seasons is a nice accomplishment, but not necessarily a passport to Canton. The thing about getting to the conference championship game a few times in a row is that only a very few people bother to remember it ten years down the road. For instance, from 1974-1979, the then Los Angeles Rams made it to four conference finals in five years. But they only made it to one Super Bowl, and who remembers them?

Perhaps I'm being unfair to Donovan McNabb. After all, he is the most universally reviled quarterback in the NFL at the moment, right? It's not like any other quarterback regardless of his level of success is taking any heat at all, right? Give me a break. Rex Grossman gets murdered in the press and among fans, and deservedly so. He doesn't play well enough to win big games in big situations, so he gets ripped. That's life.

If we look at other African American quarterbacks and how they are treated by the media, the most obvious example that comes to mind is Michael Vick. Before this past offseason and its damaging revelation about his extracurricular activities, Michael Vick was a lightning rod for media attention. For every commentator that praised his unique athletic talents, there was another who ripped him for a low completion percentage, critical turnovers in key moments, inferior pocket passing skills and inability to handle pressure. Never once, however, did I get the sense that they were ripping him because he was black.

Then there is the case of Vince Young. It's too early in his career to get the sense of how he will be perceived in the media. I get the sense that even more will be expected of him than of McNabb and Vick because he came into the league on the heels of a huge win in a national championship game. He is still in the honeymoon phase of his career, so he won't be killed for mistakes like that ill-advised lateral at the end of the Indianapolis game last week for the moment.

I think McNabb ought to add Terrell Owens and Rush Limbaugh to his Christmas card list. They have done more for him through the controversies they created with their comments than McNabb has done for himself with his play on the field. They have made it possible for him to wrap himself in the mantle of his race, which makes it very dangerous for people to criticize him objectively. They will always be afraid of seeming racist when they do.

I don't know what to make of the controversy at quarterback for the Eagles last season. I hate both McNabb and Garcia, and I hate the Eagles. It's hard to argue with the simple fact that the Eagles were 5-5 in games McNabb started, and they finished the season 10-6. I might not be the world's greatest mathematician, but it seems like that might be a little better without McNabb than with him. Is that racially motivated, or just a simple fact?

I also don't think it's racist to wonder whether a man who is supposed to be a world-class athlete should be able to lead a drive from his own five yard line into field goal range at the end of the biggest game of his career even with no timeouts and only a minute to play. Terrell Owens played the game six weeks removed from a broken leg and with a metal pin where his shin bones used to be. But we should give Donovan McNabb a break because his tummy ached?

But Donovan McNabb isn't the only tool in this sordid little affair. I would be remiss if I left the good folks at HBO's Real Sports out of this piece. If there were ever a time when Real Sports had real relevance, I don't remember it. I do admire Bryant Gumbel (and his brother Greg) for laboring on in obscurity even when an entire generation will only remember them from the Gumbel to Gumbel joke in that episode of Family Guy a few years back.

However, it seems highly unlikely that those heady days when Gumbel hosted the Today show and the lions in their den trembled at his approach will come back any time soon. No matter how many sensationalistic pieces that accuse the mainstream sports media and fans of racist tendencies, HBO's Real Sports is never going to be the arbiter of public opinion on any issue. Perhaps Bryant Gumbel and Keith Olberman can get together and start work on a Way Back machine so they can get back to the mid 1990s when they were as kings in the media.

I would also be remiss if I didn't honor Andrew Meyer, who, in getting himself tazed, has done more to deserve tool of note status than most who have been so honored to date.



Maybe I'm out of touch with the youth of America, maybe I'm old fashioned, maybe I'm just a jerk, but I have absolutely no sympathy for this young man. I wonder what gave him the notion to go to a talk by a US Senator and try to pull a prank. It was certainly a terrible idea, but it seems like it will work out better than he could possibly have hoped.

Also deserving this dubious honor are the people who have leaped to this young man's defense. The University of Florida police officers who tazed this tool did not overreact. It is very difficult to conceive of a situation where officers of the law providing security for a once and maybe future candidate for the nation's highest office can overreact to a disturbance that may threaten said individual's safety on a public stage.

With the heightened emphasis on security following the 9-11 attacks and the justified paranoia surrounding security of high-profile elected officials, only a complete moron goes into an event like the one in Florida and acts up at all. And any one who thinks that this kid deserved better treatment should ask themselves what if he had meant Kerry harm and the police didn't act the way they acted. How would that have worked?

What presents the kick in the ass in this whole mess is that this tool is now basically freed from the compulsion of earning a living. The University of Florida will likely settle this case by writing a check to shut his mouth. He will also probably get a show or at least a gig on a show to do stunts like this full-time. And the officers who tazed him are probably going to face severe consequences.

The tool's attorney maintains that the officers tazed the kid after he had been cuffed. Ordinarily, I would find that, if true, to be exceedingly beat. In this case, because Andrew Meyer went into a heightened security environment with the intent to be a dick and because he said "Don't taze me, bro" to the officers, I think summary execution would have been within the realm of acceptable punishment.

In other matters, recently, I have taken to listening to Nights with Alice Cooper. A good friend of mine suggested it almost a year ago, now, and being the stubborn man I am, it has taken me this long to act on the recommendation. I must say, I am pleasantly surprised by his humor, his ability to articulate and his taste in music.

I must confess that I came to the show with preconceived notions because I hate heavy metal music as a rule. And the stage antics for which he is well known did not inspire me to accept Alice Cooper. I guess it was the inclusion of No More Mr. Nice Guy on the soundtrack for School for Scoundrels that started the turn of events that led me to change my mind on Alice Cooper.

This week, Alice answered an email from a high school girl who had questions about growing up when he did versus growing up today. Cooper said the world in which he grew up was better than what we live with now. Even though I am only 27, I found myself agreeing with him.

Some of the reasons he gave were very compelling. Families were closer back then, kids were afraid of their teachers, there were fewer drugs available to kids and schools were much less violent. Alice also said that it was a good thing that people weren't connected to the computer the way they are now. I found that ironic, as he was answering an email at the time. It's also ironic for me to approve of the sentiment as I blog about it.

As with anything else, Alice Cooper and his show are not perfect. I am not a huge fan of Alice's Closet Covers. From what I've gathered he takes obscure songs by obscure artists and plays even more obscure covers by even more obscure artists once a night. Perhaps they will grow on me in time.

A much more ominous sign came this week when Alice intimated that he didn't play enough John Cougar Mellencamp (Alice was polite enough to drop the Cougar, but I'm not). Now if he'd meant that he plays too much Mellencamp by that statement, I'd agree with him. However, he meant that he played too little Mellencamp, and I just don't think that's possible.

I would also be remiss if I neglected to answer the two comments on my last post. To the Kobra Kommander, I have this to say. First, I remember the hype surrounding the release of the Beatles' Anthology. Can you honestly tell me that it was worse than the recent concert tour with a headliner who has been deceased since the heady days of the Carter Administration?

But I spoke too soon in praise of the Beatles. I only assume that my friend the Beatles fan was too busy devoting his attention to the Cubs chase for the NL Central title to inform me that Paul McCartney became first artist on the new Starbucks record label. If it hadn't been for John Cougar Mellencamp, that would have made McCartney the sellout of the year.

And as for my silence on the late season woes of the Boston Red Sox, I seem to recall saying after the last Yankees series that I wasn't going to talk too much about the Sox since the last few times I celebrated their poor play seemed to trigger a depressing run of wins for the Olde Towne Team.

And to the anonymous commentator, how am I going to take your opinion on Elizabeth Vargas seriously? First you undermine your own statement since you didn't watch the show. Much like Donnie from the Big Lebowski, you're like a child who has wandered into a movie in the middle and wants to know what's going on even though you have no frame of reference.

As for my relentless negativity, would you rather I took all the negativity I put forth in this blog and unburdened it on people in my day to day life. I feel somewhat reluctant to tell you exactly what you can do with the prayers you offered me. But perhaps you might want to say them for the people who would encounter me if I didn't let my negativity loose in this form.

What a world we live in. Somehow, some way things have gotten to the point that it seems that the only person committed to defending the legacy of the King of Rock and Roll is a bitter, hostile guy with a pseudonymous blog primarily devoted to his one man crusade against the Boston Red Sox. Elvis passed away 30 years ago, but for some reason no one will let him rest in peace.

Tonight, ABC News devoted two hours of broadcast time in prime time to a special retrospective on Elvis and his concerts in Las Vegas between 1969 and his death. No stone was left unturned in searching for luminaries to contribute to this program. And we were given no choice but to appreciate the gravitas of the program when we saw that no less a light than Elizabeth Vargas appeared on screen to host it.

David Brinkley and Walter Cronkite could take lessons on how to handle serious and weighty material from Ms. Vargas. Perhaps I spend to much of my time avoiding news magazine shows and the evening news and perhaps I'm overreacting to this evening's terrible program, but Elizabeth Vargas is terrible. She seems like she's trying too hard. It's almost as if she's sending out a subconscious signal that she wants to be taken seriously but doesn't have enough confidence in how she does what she does.

I wish I could find the people who assembled tonight's cast of celebrities paying homage to Elvis. For instance, how exactly is Faith Hill singing a version of "That's Alright Mama" with the pronouns adapted to suit her gender a tribute to Elvis? Granted, it's better than having me croak out an off-key version of Elvis' cover of "Gentle on my Mind" (my personal favorite of his recordings). But who cares what Faith Hill thinks about Elvis, and is she really all that good a singer?

I had less of a problem with Miranda Lambert singing Jailhouse Rock. But that's because I hate the song. It's just a silly, trite number that smacks of the songs from his later films that were so universally reviled by fans, critics and even Eddie Murphy in Delirious. Plus it strikes me as a bit gay.

Maybe the songwriters were recalling a time in the 1880s when prisons like San Quentin were actually co-ed when they wrote this line: "Number 47 said to Number 3, you're the cutest little jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company, come on and do the jailhouse rock with me." It's possible, but I doubt it. Also, I'm not sure what they meant when they said the whole rhythm section was a purple gang. It was 10 years too soon to have been inspired by the Minnesota Vikings defense which also was a purple gang. Either way, I don't like the song, but I do think the film of the same name was far and away the best of his movies.

One edifying site was watching Paul McCartney strumming the actual bass used for the early recordings and concert tours when Elvis was starting out. I found it amusing because McCartney was wearing a gold band on the ring finger of his left hand. Maybe I'm a bit cruel, but I have hated the Beatles since I was a kid, so it brought a smile to my face. I have to tell you I might be heartless, but with that high profile divorce I got a chuckle out of that sight.

I also appreciated 50 Cent's appearance. He talked about a lot of the same things I mentioned in my post on the 30th anniversary of Elvis' passing. Where some critics rip Elvis for "raping" black music, 50 Cent said Elvis took what influenced him from black music and made it his own. That's what I said, Elvis made records like That's Alright and Hound Dog as a tribute to the artists who inspired him, not as a cold, calculating attempt to exploit African American culture for profit.

Nevertheless, at the end of the day, what shocked me the most about this evening's program was that Priscilla Presley (Elvis' ex-wife/widow, I'm not sure what one calls an ex when their former spouse predeceases her) was available for an extended commentary. I would have thought that she would have been busy with other projects. After all, it was a very near thing that she didn't receive more awards for her stellar acting in films like the Naked Gun, the Naked Gun 2 and 1/2 and the Naked Gun 33 and 1/3. Most actresses would kill for a resume like that.

Perhaps I am being too harsh in my criticism of Priscilla. She did a great thing when she prevented the Scientologists from getting their paws on Elvis' bequest to Lisa Marie when she joined their...religion. And I don't necessarily fault her for divorcing Elvis because it's none of my damn business and they led a strange, somewhat creepy life together. But she did bang Chuck Norris, and that's just wrong on 100 levels, mostly dealing with how much of a tool and how bad of an actor Chuck Norris is.

My real problem with Priscilla is probably not even her fault, since I don't know how Elvis' will left things. But I resent the level to which the family and now the corporation that controls Elvis Presley Enterprises has sunk to exploit his image. As if Elvis-shaped bottles of Jim Beam weren't bad enough, they had to let little E slather the King all over the stock car that couldn't even finish a race the other day.

I haven't watched any of the recent Elvis concerts where the digitally generated image of Elvis performs with what remains of his backing musicians, but I have a huge problem with them. This just doesn't seem right. Nor does it strike me as a means to introduce a new generation to Elvis' music.

As much as I hate them, I appreciate one thing about the Beatles. Half of them are now dead and gone, but they allow new fans to come to their music more organically than Elvis Presley Enterprises does. For whatever his other problems John Lennon had, at least his face isn't decorating the hood of some half-literate redneck's stock car.

I also resented the implications that ABC and the producers allowed to seep into their program. Vegas didn't save Elvis' career, nor did it kill him. It was just one more step in both processes. The show did discuss the 1968 Comeback special in passing, in part because it led to the second slate of Vegas appearances. I say the second slate because Elvis played Vegas in 1956 and bombed spectacularly, but ABC left that out of tonight's show.

Also, between the 1968 comeback special and the Vegas concerts, Elvis returned to Memphis and recorded some tracks that did a bit more to bring his career back than appearing in a jump suit in Vegas. Some of those tracks are among the best known in his songbook, like In the Ghetto and Suspicious Minds. The ABC show mentioned how the became staples of his Vegas shows, but seemed to imply that Vegas made them hits as opposed to the songs being hits and making the Vegas shows a success.

I suppose it would be too much to ask that a show about Elvis not dwell on his drug problem in some way. But we all know the stories about him staying up until 6 or 7 AM then taking sleeping pills to get to sleep only to wake up and pop uppers to do it all again. It doesn't get less depressing with each retelling, nor does it stop other people from doing things like that.

I know a guy who knows a guy who carries his prescribed uppers and downers to the golf course. If he's too energetic, he takes a downer to get him back to where he needs to be to play good golf. If the reverse is true, he takes an upper to get him amped. It's his life, he can do what he wants as long as he doesn't hurt anyone.

Who am I to talk? Isn't that what I do over the weekends when I drink beer until I can't blog coherently then spend the next morning drinking hot tea and eating greasy food to chase the cobwebs away? With beer it's a longer process than with the chemicals in uppers and downers, but it's not any healthier and not much better as a way to live. So can't we cut the guy a break and leave Elvis in peace?

And may God forgive them for wrapping the show with Celine Dion performing Can't Help Falling in Love. May God forgive them for having her perform it at all. I certainly won't. But God might.

What a depressing weekend. I never would have believed that the Yankees could take two out of three from the Red Sox and it wouldn't make me smile. What is happening to the football team at Notre Dame is just that depressing. And the instability and unpredictability of the early stages of the NFL season isn't helping.

It's hard to find words to describe what Michigan did to Notre Dame this weekend. Suffice it to say, there just isn't a lot of fight in this vintage of the Fighting Irish. I guess the one moment that best encapsulated the debacle in the Big House this week came when the ABC telecast wound down mercifully. As they do for each team in each game, they chose the Chevrolet Players of the Game.

I didn't bother to remember which individual was singled out for Notre Dame, I just remember that he was a defensive player who recorded 9 tackles, including one for a loss. The team was beaten 38-0, and the player of the game was a defensive player. The bright spots were so few and far between that a guy who made a tackle behind the opponent's line of scrimmage merited a $1,000 donation in his name to the University of Notre Dame's general scholarship fund. How the mighty have fallen.

And as for the telecast itself, if ABC had dragged 3 of the inbred hayseeds who made up the home crowd in Ann Arbor, the network could hardly have assembled a crew more biased toward the Wolverines. That wouldn't have been such a big deal if they were at least decent announcers. Paul McGuire gets worse with each word that leaves his mouth. The world might be better served if they paid him more to stay home than they pay him to show up for work. Or at least unplugged his mike periodically. Let him think he's calling the game if they don't have the heart to get rid of him.

I found the brief segments where individual Wolverines were allowed to share fun little snippets of their thoughts and feelings about the game to be the most galling aspects this particular telecast. Granted, I have searched far and wide to see Jake Long give his own opinion of his strengths. And I was deeply shocked to see that literacy and the ability to point out forks in his family tree weren't among them.

A close second on the list of things that continue to vex me from the Michigan game is that Mike Hart delivered on his guarantee, so now this win will probably be cataloged in history with Babe Ruth's called shot and Namath's guarantee in Super Bowl III. Of course the fact that I predicted a Michigan victory in this space last week is absolutely no consolation. A blind man could have seen it coming with the way Notre Dame has played to this point.

Even with Ryan Mallett making his first start (and knowing Mallett would be a tool, with that name and all) I didn't expect Notre Dame to be 3-0. I knew with their opening schedule and a slate of untested players at key positions like QB, RB and WR that this 0-3 start was a very real possibility. What I did not expect, however, was that after 180 minutes of football I would find myself on a vision quest to see the Fighting Irish score their first offensive touchdown of this season. I could live with 0-3 if even one of the games were close enough to make me think that 0-7 weren't on the horizon.

The season has been so disappointing and surprising that I have struggled to find a good analogy. The closest I have been able to come to it is if I were to walk by one of those Dance Dance Revolutions games and hear Born to Run. Hearing that foolish machine play an Elvis song would hurt more, but surprise me less with the way Elvis Presley Enterprises operates. No, finding that Springsteen sold out in such a shameful manner would be the only equivalent to this travesty of a season.

Two final thoughts on Notre Dame-Michigan. First, I don't know now when I'll see 3:10 to Yuma. Russell Crowe attended Saturday's game in Michigan regalia as Lloyd Carr's personal guest. Eventually, I'll get over it because I love the movie Gladiator. But I hate Michigan, so it will take a while. And good riddance to Demetrius Jones as he transfers to Northern Illinois. Maybe he wouldn't have been as hurt by losing his job to Jimmy Clausen if he had tried to play a bit less terribly.

Then there is the bizarre NFL season to date. These weekend's games didn't do much to improve my state of mind. In fact, it made things much worse. First, no one on my fantasy team got in the end zone. So that put the kibosh on the Pork Chop Express. It didn't help that Chad Johnson had such a big game, as he was on the opposing team. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but I hate Chad Johnson. TO made his shtick possible when he signed that ball in Seattle all those years ago, but every one loves Chad and hates TO.

Since the Cleveland vs. Cincinnati game was so surprising, it has been covered to death. I, however, have my own unique angle. I am (or more accurately now, was) in a suicide pool. For those who might not be familiar with the term, the people against whom I compete and I pick one team per week. If that team wins, we advance, When the team you pick loses, that's it for the pool entry. To make a long story short, I picked Cincinnati this week.

I had my reasons. In no particular order, here they are. As I understand it, the rules said I could only choose a team once. So I was trying to save teams who looked more like a guaranteed win for later on in the season. Fat lot of good that did me. In my inimitable wisdom, I decided that I was going to target teams that weren't very good and pick their opponent in the early going.

In week one, I chose San Fran over Arizona and that nearly blew up in my face. So I decided to pick against a team that looked dreadful in week one. So I chose Cleveland, who was so bad against Pittsburgh that they cut the guy who started at QB. And go figure, they scored 51 points. I would have bet going into the game that they wouldn't have scored 51 points by week 5.

It might be due to some neurotic streak in my personality, but I am not going to eat any crow on this Patriots win. Yes, the Chargers have an vastly superior pass rush than the Jets. But if you recall, the Patriots did just as good a job containing the same defensive package last season in the playoffs. And then when all New England seemed ready to fall in love with the Pats O-line, Dwight Freeny and Robert Matthis carved them up as though that were the object of pass protection and not the antithesis of pass protection just one week later. So I am not sold on this offensive line.

And the Chargers do have a better secondary than the Jets, so it was a more impressive performance for Brady, Moss and the rest. But the Chargers are not really that good in the defensive backfield. Maybe you think Quentin "Bad Mamma" Jammer qualifies as a front-line, shutdown corner. I don't. He's adequate, forgettable and occasionally regrettable to steal a line from the Simpsons President's Day Pageant in the Ralph Loves Lisa episode.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but Moss has always been a great front-runner. On national TV in the regular season, he just might be the best of all time. However, that isn't what gets players to Canton. Lynn Swann got into the Hall of Fame with weak regular season stats because he was incredible in huge games like Super Bowls. Moss hasn't gotten there yet, but he's fallen short in NFC championships. So forgive me for not putting on sackcloth and streaking my face with ashes as though I were a penitent man.

I didn't have much time for watching highlight shows or Sportscenter these past few days, but I wonder how much attention has been paid to another oddity at this stage of the season. During the four minute offense when the Colts had a chance to shut the door on the Titans, Manning threw two incompletions and took a big sack with under 3 minutes to go in the game.

If I remember correctly, the Titans only had one timeout, so even three running plays would have all but killed their chances to win, even if they went for no gain. Hell, even kneeling the ball three times would have run time and forced the Titans to burn their last timeout. It certainly would have been better than two incompletions which burnt mere seconds off the clock and a sack which forced the Colts to punt.

Granted it's all academic, as Indy went on to win the game, but for all the praise given Manning for his inexpressible brilliance it would be nice to see him take some heat for this one. Indy might have come up with a TD on one of those passes, but then again there could have been a deflection that turned into an interception or that sack could have turned into a fumble. Or Vince Young could have engineered game-winning drive when they only needed a field goal. You can't get lucky all the time, but you can be smart every day, as they say.

I don't have very much to say on the cheating scandal. Yes, every one tries to steal signs and signals. That's just one of the things that happens in professional sports. But having some front office flunkies sneaking around in the bowels of Giants Stadium with video recording equipment is a little bit excessive, no? All we need now is to find out that Kraft or Belichick referred to these guys as plumbers or a revelation to inform us that there is a recording system in the Patriots front office with a number of suspicious gaps in the tapes and then we have the NFL's version of Watergate.

I don't expect that there will be any kind of consensus on this issue. It's tricky. It seems to me that the Patriots and their apologists are dead wrong, because they're falling back on a defense that never got any of us out of punishment when we were kids. Just because every body else steals signs doesn't make it alright that your flunkies skulk around with cameras. Granted, Patriots fans as a group struggle to compose a more reasoned defense, but that's no fit excuse. But I have a strong antipathy to the Patriots, their fans and their management, so I might be wrong.

I guess I would be remiss if I didn't talk a little about this weekend's Red Sox Yankees series. I will keep my comments to a minimum since I fear my lengthy posts following the August sweep might have jinxed the Yankees a little bit, since they didn't gain any ground in the standings until very recently.

I will also refrain from making too many cracks about the three homer performance from Frank Thomas. I'd hate to beat Dan Shaughnessy to the punch by making some quip to the effect that the Big Hurt put a big hurting on Big Schill. Hell if I could work in blogboy blowhard, I'd write his whole column for him. I'd hate myself for it, since I'm sure the CHB all but wet himself with excitement when that third bomb left the Sky Dome or the Rodgers Centre or whatever the call it in Toronto.

I don't know what to make of Joba Chamberlain. It was nice to see him unveil his curveball for all of about ten seconds. He locked up Pedroia with it, but probably wasted it on JD Drew. JD Drew couldn't hit an eephus pitch at this point. As my old grandfather used to say, he couldn't hit the floor if he fell out of bed. My grandfather loved bad jokes and hated the Red Sox, God rest him. And then the media beat the story to death in an evening of good, hard work. Or at least work.

I'm not too worried about him letting up his first career run in the form of Lowell's homer. It had to happen at some point, as they say. Ideally, it wouldn't have come against the Red Sox, especially not in the manner in which it occurred. But Lowell is a very dangerous hitter in Fenway Park. That's part of life in baseball. If you throw heat it's not going to end well if a guy gets a hold of one.

What bothers me a little bit is that so much is being made of him now. Between the 17 and 2/3 inning scoreless streak and the "Joba Rules," he's a bad month away from being this generation's Mark "The Bird" Fydrich. Not so much from the eccentricity standpoint, but the young pitcher who gets a big buildup but never gets back to that early magic. Chamberlain's gotten too much attention. Hell, Clay Bucholtz hasn't gotten nearly as much coverage and he threw a no-hitter. This can't end well.

Finally, watching this evening's third quarter, with Charles Barkley in the booth, I am more convinced than ever that he should be announcing games. I know with the way the sports media is seeking uncontroversial controversy (think the NBC Sunday Night studio show) soon no sporting event will take place without Joe Buck or Cris Collinsworth or some similar bland, white-bread mouthpiece demanding that you take their position on an inconsequential argument.

John Madden is the last real loose cannon calling NFL games, and he's too old, fat and jolly to say anything that would hurt any one's feelings. But at least he avoids real controversy by being genuinely nice. That's why I like him, even as he nears senility. Every other announcer lacks the balls to say what's on their minds or the minds to have something to say. So Barkley should call games. Or I could to it. I'd work for food, short money and one of those set ups they use to conceal witness identities in mob trials.

It seems my panic about my fantasy team was all just a big waste of time. Thanks to a great second half from Tony Romo and TO, me team came back from the dead. It is still possible that I could lose, but it would require an earth-shattering performance from Anquan Boldin to bring my opponent back into striking distance. It almost makes me feel guilty for calling him Mr. Bean's stunt double in last night's post.

Today was a pretty good sports day, all things considered. My fantasy team is winning going away, so I don't have to eat all the trash I talked in the week leading up to the game. And things shook out as they should have in the New England sports scene. The Red Sox lost and the Patriots were caught cheating. Maybe not a perfect day, but I'll take it.

Scott Kazmir once again emasculated the mighty Red Sox lineup, employing his vast array of spit, shine and various and sundry other illegal balls to prevail in a 1-0 decision. You know he had to have cheated because the Red Sox hitters can't be thwarted so completely without some sort of chicanery being utilized against them. Unfortunately, this outcome cannot stand. Surely MLB will review the sublime performance of Curt Schilling and award him the victory to prevent him from suffering any indignity.

I must keep this brief tonight, as I am stunned into silence to see that the New England Patriots have been accused of stealing signals from their arch-rivals the New York Jets. I will not sit here and listen to any hint that a team coached by Bill Belichick could stoop to an underhanded, laughable psyche out ploy like this. Next thing you know, you'll be telling me that Belichick was the sort of guy who might be labelled a home wrecker in a nasty divorce case. Or that the team owner would be deprived of one of his world championship rings by a ruthless despot.

In other news, in a shameful ploy to exploit their new connection to Japan, the Red Sox will open the 2008 season in Japan, playing against the perennial underachievers from Oakland. The good news is that this will provide Red Sox fans with a convenient excuse when this team stumbles out of the gate next season. I should, perhaps, be a little bit more circumspect on this matter, since I have been assured that JD Drew will be a bargain next season. Maybe this trip to Japan is just a front to help him find his mojo.

For some reason, I have developed a knack for spotting tools in the crowd shots as I watch football games. Tonight's top tools include a guy in the Bengals stadium sporting a storm trooper costume from Star Wars painted orange with black stripes. If I had a picture to caption and a penchant for pathetic plays on words, I would caption said picture: "Attack of the Clowns." And then there was the guy in San Francisco who elected to rock a beanie with a propeller and a team logo beach towel or blanket as a cape. If that weren't enough, he meandered through the crowd playing a banjo. The ensemble is so pathetic it defies my ability to come up with an insult.

As I spoke about this with a friend this evening, the question came up as to whether one or the other could compete in a tool-off with the South Florida fan who wore a singlet to the Auburn game. I would give the edge to the guy in the singlet, since a man should never wear any skin tight garment in public. That is a woman's prerogative, provided that she's attractive.

I'm not sure if I should give you this link, but it's pretty damn funny. I would recommend that you exercise caution before you click it, as it is a bit loud and might be construed as offensive. I don't want to hear any complaining if you get your dumb ass fired opening this in an office or place of business. But it is a few laughs, so check the video out when you get a chance. And if you get offended, well, I tried to warn you.

Against all reason, the NFL has yet to put an end to the charade that is the 2007 regular season. Even after today's action which saw the New England Patriots win the single most impressive football game in recorded human history, the show apparently must go on. When you get right down to it, you know that if you can beat the Jets in the Meadowlands, you can beat any team anywhere at any time.

There are some misguided naysayers who might offer an alternative explanation for today's event. People might dare whisper that the Jets made the playoffs on the strength of a weak schedule and some lucky breaks. They might wonder whether those factors might have had enough of an impact to negate the dreadful play on words that makes up the nickname of the young Jets head coach. But who among them would dare show their face in the wake of that amazing win?

After all, there is no possible alternative but to assume that today's dominance was due solely to the excellence of the New England Patriots. Who could dare think that the Jets inability to rush the passer and even more pathetic secondary play could have been the result of a bad football team as opposed to an outstanding opponent?

I think the one moment that best encapsulates the state of the New York Jets this season came when the crowd cheered after Chad Pennington was hurt. Not only did it show the Jets fans as total dbags, but it showed that this team can't be all that good if Kellen Clemens is the savior waiting in the wings.

In his brief career, Kellen Clemens had thrown two passes prior to this season and managed exactly zero completions. To his credit, he did lead the league in TD passes this preseason. Maybe I'm too optimistic, but that just impresses the hell out of me. Isn't that why we remember Joe Montana all these years after he retired? For leading the league in TD passes in preseason after preseason?

Outside of New York, no one cares who accumulated what meaningless stats in which slate of meaningless games. If Kellen Clemens is the QB of the future and the future is now, then the 2007 season is already over for the New York Jets. If that is the case, then the blowout the Patriots laid on them this afternoon isn't as impressive as people seem to think.

As impressive as Randy Moss' day was, perhaps it might be wise to wait for him to play a team with a serviceable secondary before we pack his bags for Honolulu and the Pro Bowl. For instance, on his long TD catch can we fairly say that he beat triple coverage? Might we instead say that three Jets took up some space but didn't earn their game checks even though they must have enjoyed their front row seat for the play?

Of course, it is somewhat unfair for me to be so critical of the Jets secondary today. After all, the front seven would have been hard pressed to do less to help their defensive backs. They made the Patriots offensive line look like supermen with their lackluster pass rush. They almost got near Brady once. I think I remember that.

In all fairness, I am just a bit bitter because Brady's performance probably cost me the game in fantasy football. Of course the Kansas City Chiefs horrendous offense dragging Larry Johnson down as though they were a 10 man albatross and LJ were the Ancient Mariner had a fair bit to do with it. And Tony Romo (my QB) hurt more than he helped with his treasonous penchant for throwing to Jason Witten (my esteemed opponent's TE) instead of Terrell Owens (my WR) poured salt into the wound.

It hurts losing this game (which isn't technically over, but I need a huge second half out of Romo and TO and a near miraculous effort from Vernon Davis against Anquan Boldin) to have a chance. It hurts doubly because I'm losing to Mr. Bean's stunt double and a guy who played Eddie Kennison. I guess I'm just not as smart as I think I am, or a victim of bad luck.

But before I wrap this post up, I have a couple of other things to say about a couple of things. First, on the Auburn-South Florida game. I have to congratulate Auburn coach Tommy Tubberville for his amazing ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. After South Florida tied the game with about 45 seconds to go, and Auburn holding onto two timeouts, Coach Tubberville elected to play for the tie and overtime rather than risk a turnover playing for the win.

Even if Auburn had turned it over, South Florida was out of timeouts. Their kicker had just tied the game, but he'd also missed four kicks that day. But giving them an equal chance to win the game by eating the ball and going to overtime couldn't have been good for Auburn's confidence. I assume this knowing that South Florida went on to upset Auburn. The moral of the story - only a tool plays for a tie.

The only thing that keeps Tubberville from becoming a tool of note is that he wasn't the biggest tool in the stadium. I saw a guy rooting for South Florida while wearing a wrestling singlet, only this and nothing more. It got me thinking, is there ever an acceptable time to wear a wrestling singlet. And the answer is no.

It is never appropriate to wear a singlet. Not as a costume for Halloween. Not while watching a football game. Not in the privacy of one's own home. Not even while engaged in that least cool and most homoerotic of sports, Greco-Roman wrestling is it appropriate to wear a singlet. A man should never wear scanty, skin-tight garments. It's not a good look.

If you wear a singlet in public you ought to be arrested. Doubly so if you wear it to an event that isn't a wrestling competition. If you aren't arrested, then maybe you ought to do the rest of us a favor and refrain from passing your genes to the next generation. The only thing that keeps him from being the tool of note is that an odd combination of laziness and horror at the choice of attire prevents me from searching for a photo of that tool.

Among the other things that are bothering me from this weekend is the new Nike ad campaign. In particular, the commercial featuring Shawne Merriman and Stephen Jackson is antagonizing me. I don't know if you recognized the song when you heard it, but it is the Promontory Theme from the cinematic triumph, Last of the Mohicans. It's the song playing while Chingachkook, Uncas and Nathaniel chase down Magua and his warriors at the climax of the film.

If I were a better person, I'd admit that I'm just a bitter person who resents Shawne Merriman's new, edgy style of play. But I'm not, so I can say spiteful things. For instance, I'd have less of a problem with this if a needle injecting some illicit concoction of performance enhancing chemicals were photoshopped into the ad somewhere reminding us of Merriman's four game suspension last season. Or maybe it would bother me less if someone could prove that Chingachkook's triumph over Magua had been aided by some sort of banned substance.

But even more than the Patriots winning, the Bears losing and the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad use of that song from that scene, another event is bothering me. I don't know if you saw it, I didn't. I had to be told by a Patriots fan who wanted to rile me for failing to show the new look Pats the proper respect. Last night, while I was occupied watching real sports, NASCAR and Dale Jr. crossed a line I couldn't believe they would dare cross.

In his seemingly futile chase for the Chase for the Cup, Dale Jr. dared adorn the hood of his car with the image of Elvis Presley. The universe punished him for his insolence, and he didn't win the race. In fact, Little E didn't even finish the race. If winning mattered to him, and I'd bet it doesn't based on the frequency with which he wins, this truly would be a blow.

It is not fair to blame Dale Jr. for this without criticizing the corporate entity that controls Elvis' legacy. Shame on the functionaries at Elvis Presley Enterprises for whoring his image out to be painted on the hood of a race car. Do they not earn enough money profiteering from his life's work? If I thought I had the discipline not to violate it, I would call for a boycott on Elvis just as I did against John Cougar Mellencamp. But I won't be that sort of hypocrite.

It is September 8, 2007 and at this point all I have left to which to look forward in this college football is what I am going to bill as the futility bowl. Notre Dame and its catastrophically dreadful offense travels to the Big House to face the tragically inept Michigan defense next Saturday. Both will be coming off embarrassing losses when they meet.

Conventional wisdom tells us that one team will win its first game of the year in this confrontation. The trouble, however, with conventional wisdom is that it is precisely that. Conventional. I don't believe that either team is capable of winning a football game at this point. I don't think either team deserves to win.

Alas, if I were a betting man, I would have to put my money on the Wolverines. Not only because they are the home team, but because the Notre Dame medical facilities will be overwhelmed this week. After the time they have spent on the field in the first two games, I expect at least a half dozen or so members of the Notre Dame defense to be hospitalized for exhaustion. As a result, they will have a tough time fielding an 11 man defensive unit against Michigan.

What I find mind boggling is the extent of the dreadfulness of the Notre Dame offensive line. I remember growing up watching outstanding offensive line play for the Fighting Irish every year. I guess I got as used to it as I did to Red Sox collapses in October and leaves changing color. It's just one more thing that makes me lament the passing of the years.

This current crop of offensive linemen are basically stealing $130,000 from the university. It's not fair, I suppose to shred 18-22 year old kids for not meeting expectations, but then I guess I'm a terrible person. These guys can't run block and they can't pass block. They can't pick up the blitz, but then I can't figure out why opposing teams even bother to blitz Notre Dame, since they haven't shown any capacity to contain even the most basic defensive fronts.

It's also impossible to evaluate the young running backs with defensive linemen and linebackers pouring through the front line as if it weren't even there. It is not impossible to evaluate the performance of Travis Thomas, who still blows. It was, however, awfully nice of him to commit the personal foul on the Penn State punt that seemed to change the momentum of the game in the first half.

Notre Dame did show some signs of improvement. They came oh so close to scoring their first offensive touchdown of the year. Clausen looked good on that drive. I thought Weis should have abandoned the short passing game plan a lot sooner than he did. I think that has been the fatal flaw in this Notre Dame season to date. In their first two games, Notre Dame has always seemed on the verge of having a plan A. They are currently organizing search parties to find traces of a Plan B as we speak.

I am not going to call for Weis' dismissal. Nor am I going to get all nostalgic for the Ty Willingham era. I'm not even going to get slightly nostalgic for the Ty WIllingham era. So what if Weis won with Willingham's recruits? So what if Willingham is 2-0 at Washington this year? Those are nice facts, but they ignore the bigger picture.

Willingham might have recruited the players Weis led to back to back BCS appearances, but he didn't manage to win with thos recruits when he had the chance. While Weis has yet to beat USC, at least he coached a team that fought USC down to the wire once; in his three years at Notre Dame, Willingham never managed to beat the Trojans, a feat that is doubly impossible when you never get within 26 points of said adversary. And Willingham's most successful season came in his first years, with players recruited by Bob Davies. So forgive me if I don't tear up as I remember the Willingham era's abrupt termination.

I do have to question Charlie Weis' judgement. Seeing footage of Jimmy Clausen arriving at his signing press conference in a white Hummer limousine thanks to the ESPN telecast this evening vexed me greatly. Take a limo to the prom. Take a limo to a wedding. Don't take a damn white stretch Hummer to sign a letter of intent. It makes you look like a total douche. Especially if you fall short of expectations. As a coach, it's on Weis to stop foolishness like that from dragging a kid down before he even gets to campus.

Another sparkling example of poor judgement on Weis' part was his decision to pursue the malpractice suit against the doctors who performed his gastric bypass surgery. I understand the anger that would remain after he nearly died from the surgery. But after the first trial ended in a mistrial because the doctors intervened to save the life of a juror who was having a heart attack, it was time to punt on the legal system. That was a bad omen, and there was no way people weren't going to be prejudiced going into a jury pool, no matter what we pretend about the legal system and impartiality.

There are some who would say showing up in the white stretch limo is like talking smack before the first game of a fantasy season. However, when your running backs are LJ, Cedric Benson and Travis Henry and the best player on the opposing team is Laurence Maroney, it's hard not to talk trash. Of course, there is a distinct possibility that I could recant this time tomorrow with Tony Romo as my QB, but I doubt it.

Since my last post, I've been doing some thinking about the whole John Cougar Mellencamp problem. I realize I have absolutely no influence with any group of people anywhere in the world as I write this, but I think it's time we called for a boycott of Mellencamp. Let him go back to his little pink house and get misty as he remembers Jack and Diane. He can come out of his cave to help the farmers, but the rest of the year he should just lurk in his lair.

God knows, he must have made enough of whoring his terrible little ode to America to hock shitboxes which will be recalled in 2 years for Chevrolet and appearance fees for events that would have been better served had he stayed at home that he's not going to go hungry. Plus the longer he stays out and visible, the less effective he'll be as a spokesperson for the Democratic drive for the White House in 2008.

You'll have to forgive me for violating my ban against obscenity. Notre Dame taking a second consecutive savage beating has taken the jam out of my doughnut. Hell, I'm sitting here wasting a Saturday night blogging when I could be getting drunk. It's even taken the wind out of the Orioles "tuning up" Red Sox pitching in the words of the guy I go to for my Red Sox info.

I must apologize for not posting in the last few days. I've been feeling a little depressed, what with Notre Dame collapsing against Georgia Tech and the Red Sox temporarily returning to form after the sweep at the hands of the Yankees. I had been looking forward to this evening and the beginning of the NFL regular season, but then I guess I'm too much of an optimist for my own good.

First, I must confess, I now spend about 2 minutes a day looking forward to a time when America can experience an important event in the realm of popular culture without the immortal John Cougar Mellencamp. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe his music did somehow improve as though by magic because his politics are acceptable to a large enough segment of the populace. Perhaps I ought to give up my reluctance to discuss political issues in this blog and embrace an anti Bush stand in this space.

I don't know if I heard things properly, between the waste of time that was the concert and the disappointment I felt as they unfurled the Indianapolis Colts World Champions banner. But I could swear that I caught the strains of "Won't Get Fooled Again" by the Who. Now I enjoy the song as much as the next person, I just think people ought to choose songs more carefully. It will serve the Colts right if the song jinxes their campaign to defend that championship.

Tonight has also made it clear that I have to spend more time and more space ripping the NBC studio show for its dreadful NFL coverage. Even tonight, with an understrength booth and a show mercifully shortened for the affront against good taste that was the concert, the show managed to fall short of mediocrity by a wide margin. It seems like every personality and every segment the producers add takes things away from the table with an almost mystical capability to make bad worse.

Keith Olberman is now back into sports broadcasting in a very small way. He has adapted his Worst Person in the World segment from his show no one watches on MSNBC to the context of the NFL. So every time we tune in to the NFL on NBC we will be subjected to Keith Olberman's version of the Worst Person in the NFL. I guess it could be worse, we could have the "Cris Collinsworth Introspective on How to Bear up Under the Strain of Being the World's Biggest Douche" segment.

Tonight, Keith Olberman pronounced himself the Worst Person in the NFL. Interestingly, I had considered using that as a joke because I assumed that he would pronounce some other deserving tool as the worst person in the NFL. I was going to dismiss the notion out of hand because Olberman really isn't in the NFL. He is only tangentially connected to the NFL. Apparently his ego didn't see it that way.

I think it would be nice if some concerned soul in Olberman's inner circle could take ten or so seconds to point one salient fact to the anchor. Just as Tony Bennett left his heart in San Francisco, Keith Olberman left whatever small glimmer of relevance and legitimacy he had behind when he left ESPN. Maybe Keith is so insulated in his own ego that he hasn't noticed that his subsequent career ventures haven't exactly been unbridled successes, or even bridled successes (if such a thing exists).

I don't want to give the impression that I am one of the legion of tools who rhapsodize about the Olberman-Patrick era of Sportscenter the way Donovan sang about Atlantis. I'll leave that to Bill Simmons and his disciples. I thought they were adequate, very average. They told me what the out of town scores were, but I could have done without the affected, cynical ennui repartee they used to charm the masses. Maybe if I were the sort of person who cared more about the personalities behind the curtain, I would have gone into mourning, but that's just not who I am.

I might be wrong in this, it's not something that I cared enough about to research. But I blame the Olberman-Patrick era of Sportscenter for the abomination that was the Aaron Sorkin show Sportsnight. Even though the world was crying out for a vision of what a sports highlight show produced by hipsters for hipsters, I think the world would not be a better place if it were still on the air. Nor would much have been lost if it had never seen the light of day.

All that on the NFL on NBC, and we haven't even mentioned Tiki Barber's latest cloying, attention seeking cry for help. As I may have mentioned, I don't like Tiki Barber. Nor do I like Tom Coughlin. As much as I like seeing Coughlin criticized, I don't like to see ungrateful frauds reposition themselves via revisionist history.

It seems almost universally conceded that Tom Coughlin is not a very cool guy. Most people don't like playing football for him. However, there is a substantial body of empirical evidence to show that he had a profound effect for the better on Tiki Barber's career. Before Coughlin came to the Giants, Tiki was an inveterate fumbler. It was his trade mark.

Under Coughlin's reign of terror, whatever else might have happened, Tiki fumbled quite a bit less than he did previously. I don't know how much of that was directly due to Coughlin's intervention, but it doesn't seem like a simple coincidence. No matter how you look at it, Tiki was not mentioned as any kind of Hall of Fame candidate in the Jim Fassel era. It was only in the Coughlin era that Tiki blossomed into a very, very, very marginal candidate for the Hall of Fame.

We all could have done without Tiki Barber's memoirs. We all could have done without Tiki Barber bashing Tom Coughlin for triggering his early retirement. FOr my part, I have believed that Tiki's retirement was a calculated ploy. Not just a career change to the lucrative and far less physically demanding world of the TV journalist, but his only shot at the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

His numbers were good, but not really great. His early fumble troubles were always going to haunt him. He never really excelled in the postseason. The only way he'd get in to Canton is if he had a mystique attached to his name, like Lynn Swann with his amazing postseason performances trumping subpar regular season numbers or Gayle Sayers with his impressive highlights and lamentable injury history killing a promising career. So walking away before his perceived time was the only way for Tiki to become a Hall of Famer. Too bad for him this negative notoriety is murdering that slim chance as we speak.

In other news, a game was played and, alas, the Colts won. So much for the Saints as a Super Bowl contender. I was impressed by their run last year. I never thought they could duplicate it, though. First, their schedule is a lot harder. And they had a lot of breaks go their way, and I don't see it happening a second time. The blocked punt TD against Atlanta in their Monday Night home opener last year was a big catalyst for the magic season. That atmosphere will not be replicated, though.

I stil hate Peyton Manning. I do applaud Sprint. In their new commercial series, they have stumbled on something I believed to be as rare as a Jurassic Era remnant still walking the earth - Peyton Manning's mind. Between the Manning omnipresence in every commercial under the sun and the teethmarks John Mellencamp will leave on this reincarnated fame he enjoys when it too disappears, I foresee dark times for Sedition in Red Sox Nation.

Well, it was a nice season of college football while it lasted. And then the Fighting Irish kicked off in South Bend today. Even with the score being as lopsided as it ended up being, I think there were some signs that this team has some potential. This season is going to be a long ordeal, but it is (with some notable exceptions like center John Sullivan, "tailback" Travis Thomas and safety Tom Zbikowsi) a fairly young team.

I thought the defense played very well until the abject horror show that was the Notre Dame offense abandoned them on the field and they collapsed from exhaustion. With the exception of the personal foul/ejection on number 94 extending a drive that should have been a 3 and out, the defense exceeded my expectations. This new 3-4 under the leadership of the incredibly surprisingly competent Corwin Brown was fast. They covered well, but their pressure on the QB left a bit to be desired. I think they played the run fairly well, but it's hard to gauge when they were on the field for 2/3 of the game.

I was deeply disappointed in the offense. I am not sure whether Demetrius Jones was unprepared for the game, unprepared for the stage, totally overmatched or some combination thereof. Either way, he sucked. I don't particularly enjoy being that harsh, but when you play for the better part of two quarters and you have 1/2 as many fumbles (2) as passing yards (4), then you might want to rethink playing quarterback.

Evan Shipley was better, at least as far as passing goes. But I don't think he's the long term answer either. As for Jimmy Clausen, the time and tide were against him. I don't know whether I'm prepared to see him start for ND. He didn't bring a lot to the table, but at least he didn't fumble. Alas, one of these three must start at quarterback as this team moves forward.

The biggest disappointment of the day was Coach Weis. I appreciate what he was trying to do by delaying the announcement of his starting quarterback to minimize the pressure on the sacrificial lamb. I do not appreciate his refusal to adjust his pass protection and pass routes to help his quarterbacks deal with the Georgia Tech blitz that was clearly more than his team could handle in the first half. I can see the logic in running deep drops and having receivers run routes that take a while to develop when the opponent is breaking through the offensive line as though it weren't even there. That's great stuff, unless of course you want to win.

They did make some adjustments in the second half and Shipley moved the ball effectively through the air on the first drive of the second half (the one where they got points). They ran quick slants, they got the ball out of the quarterback's hand quickly. And it worked. They got the ball into the red zone, and came tantalizingly close to scoring a TD. If only that counted for something, that would be good stuff.

I also hold Weis responsible for the team's inability to run the ball. I am aware that Notre Dame seems impressed with its stable of backs. That's nice. That does not, however, mean that it is a good idea to throw a half dozen different tailbacks into the action in the first half. Establishing momentum would have been better than trying to see what you have on hand.

And when Notre Dame did choose one back to stick with it was Travis Thomas, the tailback who became a linebacker who became a tailback again. Now if you're the general who became a slave who became a gladiator like Maximus, then you might be able to do some damage. But if you're a tailback who was dispensable enough to become a very average linebacker, maybe you might not be the best ball carrier on the squad.

I thought the slow, downhill stretch run to Travis Thomas played into Georgia Tech's hands. I thought that one play killed the opening drive of the second half. They ran it thrice and lost yards every time. Notre Dame had the ball 3 and less than a yard inside the five yard line the last time they called it. Georgia Tech shot the gap and blew it up. Actually, they didn't shoot the gap, there was no gap. Tech just blew it up, Thomas lost five yards and they kicked a field goal to cut the lead to 16. A TD would have been oh so much better.

I appreciate loyalty. Thomas took one for the team in changing positions. It's nice that Weis wanted to reward him for his sacrifice. But the time for rewarding a good soldier probably isn't a key game that could derail the entire season. This was just one more bad decision in a series of bad decisions that was this game on Notre Dame's part. Georgia Tech had a great game plan and they executed it very well. Notre Dame had a terrible game plan and they executed it incredibly poorly.

There is hardly any reason for a ND fan to be optimistic going forward. Quarterback play is a huge problem, and it's probably going to be worse before it gets better. I said it was discouraging at the time, and now it's downright terrifying. But this offseason, the school brought distinguished alumnus Ron Powlus back to be the quarterbacks coach. It's kind of like bringing Michael Myers back to the nuthouse to lead group therapy. Powlus was horrendous. How does he help these guys get better? If he could have done it, he would have done it. Not to get all biblical here, but this is a textbook physician heal thyself situation here.

Statistically, this was the worst season opening loss in Notre Dame history. And now Penn State is looming on the horizon. And Notre Dame ran up the score on Penn State last year. I wouldn't be a very good Catholic (and I'm probably not a very good Catholic, but for other reasons) if I didn't believe in miracles. But I am downright terrified to think of this team going into Happy Valley. Who knows, though? Maybe this loss will awaken some measure of pride in the Fighting Irish. Or maybe Georgia Tech is much better than I think they are. But we'll see.

And after Penn State, ND plays Michigan, who comes off one of the more improbable upsets of all time, losing at home to Appalachian State this afternoon. That could be a good sign, but I doubt it. Even with the immortal Lloyd Carr at the helm, the Wolverines are going to be pissed. I could see them coming off this loss with a vengeance.

But there is some small measure of good news today. Rodney Harrison was suspended for using human growth hormone. I understand that there is a new emphasis on punishing players who have used illicit performance enhancing substances thanks to the corrupt bargain baseball made with chemically enhanced hitters. But that doesn't mean a great gentleman like Rodney Harrison should lose a portion of his season merely because a paper trails documents his foray into the wonderland of banned substances. What a world we live in.

Apparantly, Roger Goddell and his minions did not read this heartfelt, impassioned apology to the fans of New England which Rodney Harrison published in the Boston press today. If the commissioner had read it, surely he would have issued a special dispensation. After all, it wasn't to enhance his performance that Harrison took this substance. No, he took growth hormone to bounce back from injury.

Not being much of a fan of this style of speaking and writing which has become the default for celebrities who get themselves in trouble, I hate it when some one tries to give their actions a dishonest sheen. Of course he took growth hormone to get a competitive advantage. Getting back on the field after an injury more quickly than you would have naturally seems to be a competitive advantage to me. But I guess I'm just old fashioned that way.

With any luck, this is the beginning of bad things to come for the Patriots. The team was already thin in the secondary, with Chad Scott hurt and Samuel only being in camp for a few days. Now there's even more pressure on rookie Brandon Merriweather to step in a contribute. And if that weren't enough, FX is showing the Bridget Moynahan vehicle I Robot tonight. That's got to be a good omen for those who dislike the Patriots.

And from the weird, wild stuff file... Cowboys quarterback coach Wade Wilson is also being suspended by the NFL. Like Harrison, he's going for growth hormone, but he gets five games as opposed to the four games for the Pats safety. This surprised the hell out of me when I saw it on the ESPN ticker. If a coach is taking performance enhancing drugs, that's just strange. If he's distributing them to his players or any players then he ought to be fired outright.

The other thing that troubles me is I recently acquired (or reacquired) Tony Romo to quarterback my fantasy team. I don't know whether losing his QB coach is a good thing or a bad thing. Wade Wilson wasn't exactly Joe Montana in his playing days. But he wasn't horrendous like Ron Powlus. I haven't been overwhelmed by the players he's coached to date, but I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt. We'll see how this works out, but I'm thinking Big Ben might be my starting QB before long.

I'm not too worried, though. I have LJ, Cedric Benson, Travis Henry and Deuce McAllister on my team, so my running back production should carry me. Plus I'm far and away the smartest guy in my league, so I'll manage. Unless people start weaseling kick returners into the lineup. Even if Bill Simmons, the arbiter of NFL history, thinks that the recent trend in production falling off for the last few guys who set the career carries record will claim LJ before his time, I have faith in him. It seems to me that a guy like Jim Brown must have set the record a time or two in his day for the 12 game schedule and he had a nice career. But I'll have more on this story as the season progresses.