Thursday, June 21, 2007

It's been a very long time since I've done a random thing I hate feature. Mostly I've been concentrating on the things that I hate that pertain to the Red Sox these days. And a few bits and pieces devoted to my other mortal enemies like Danny Ainge, Jay Mariotti, Ron Mexico and others. It's getting to the point where I have as many enemies as Richard Nixon. Would that I had the late former President's charm and easy going personality.

Tonight I give you the Random Thing I Hate for June 21, 2007. It's Rachel Ray.

I have always found her moderately annoying. I never watched much of 30 Minute Meals. So she can cook. Big deal. In the immortal words of Hondo Lane: "A woman ought to be a good cook. Hell, I'm a good cook myself." I never believed that she did all the work herself and got the food cooked in 30 minutes. Personally, I suspected that the crew, maybe somebody like the best boy grip or the gaffer did most of the work but she got the credit because she was more telegenic than your average garden-variety fat union guy showing a spirit-crushing amount of ass cleavage.

Also, Rachel Ray is cute. Only this and nothing more. She isn't tremendously hot. Maybe on the Food Network that gets in done, considering the Barefoot Contessa looks like she may have been a middle linebacker in her "prime." Rachel Ray is also perky as hell. I hate perky, energetic people. They make me want to ask them all if they were on dope, as though I were Mr. Hand from Fast Times. Perky people out to be outlawed. Now, if Marvin the Paranoid Android from the Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy had a cooking show, that's something I would watch.

I could deal with that when she was buried on the Food Network with that loser Molto Mario (what does a red-headed tool know about Italian food?). But now she's everywhere. On daytime TV. On primetime TV. On late night TV On Demand for the desperately lonely drunks. You can't get away from her. And those damn Dunkin' Donuts spots aren't helping much. I also hate Dunkin Donuts. There's nothing like rolling through a Dunkin' Donuts early on a Sunday morning with a hangover to try to get a bacon egg and cheese and a soda while every family in a thirty block radius drags their terribly behaved little monster-children down to get some damn munchkins and scream their heads off.

Now rumor has it that she's going to open a restaurant. That's what the world needs, another useless celebrity chef charging premium prices for slightly above-average food. One night at Mohegan Sun, I ate at the Jasper Willis Summer Shack. It was not too impressive. I've been to better street vending carts, but since every tool under the sun has heard of of Jasper Willis, he gets to charge 20 bucks for an entree that's worth about 6.50.

At least I'm not the only person out there who hates Rachel Ray. You can read all about the roots of the anti-Rachel Ray movement in this article from The headquarters of the anti-Rachel Ray movement can be found at this blog on LiveJournal. It's where I got that picture of her with the devil horns. I think you should join to offer moral support. I would, but I already belong to a blog site, and I don't really have the energy to join another.

For a change, I thought I would include a note of positivity amidst my customary negativity. Tonight, with my direst of mortal enemies preoccupied in travelling to the West Coast, I was able to venture into the epicenter of hostile territory. I went to Popeye's Chicken and Biscuits to partake of fried chicken and biscuits. In preparation for the expedition, my friend did some internet research, where he came across this site with a smattering of unfavorable reviews of the Popeye's Kenmore experience.

I don't know if the rocket scientists who found the restaurant overcrowded, slow and generally unpleasant were dumb enough to go to the Popeye's in Kenmore Square when 37,000 people assembled in the vicinity to see the Red Sox play. I could see where that mistake could be possible, since the Red Sox like to surprise the hell out of the local populace by just playing random games without any advance notice. For the love of God, the schedules are set out in advance, you can see when there's a game by looking at TV listings in the paper, on digital cable or on the web. You can read the sports pages. You ought to be smart enough to plan accordingly if you want to go Kenmore Square and not deal with headaches, traffic and overcrowding. And if you aren't smart enough, you ought to be polite enough to keep your damn mouth shut.

I found the restaurant to be scrupulously clean, efficiently run and a very good place to eat some fried chicken. I highly recommend it, and I hope that the Red Sox take to eating their pregame meals there. With that I must go. I apologize for tonight's brevity. I am mired in a food hangover from the substantial portions of fried chicken, biscuits (which taste like they're made from real butter, by the way) and rice and beans. I just don't have the energy to go on. Until the next time...

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