Tuesday, March 20, 2007

When I started the tool of note segment (of course all the way back then, it was the tool of the week segment, but laziness intruded), it was designed to recognize the achievements of the garden variety American tool. Famous people were not supposed to be included in the ranks of the tools of note. Unfortunately, as I've come to discover famous people are often even bigger tools than average people.

Jerramy Stevens is truly a prince among tools. Thanks to a reader named Eric, I can bring you one of the most disgusting stories I've heard in quite a while. Apparently, Jerramy Stevens and his friends are not fit to associate with human beings, or at least with the other tenants at the ritzy condo complex he calls home (for the time being). All I can say is what a tool.

I've never liked Stevens. I've always thought of him as a dirty player, full of sound and fury but delivering very little when it came time to step onto the playing field. The war of words with Joey Porter prior to Super Bowl XL was a perfect encapsulation of his career. He talked and talked, but he dropped passes, committed penalties and did nothing else.

Stevens is a big, athletic tight end who plays smaller than his height (6-7), slower than his 40 time and dumber than dirt. He has all the parts that you would desire a tight end in the NFL to have, but for reasons of character and desire the parts have not produced the expected result.

Apparently, professional football players, as a rule, do not make very good neighbors. But Jerramy Stevens is shockingly bad. He and his friends or guests are allegedly responsible for littering the condo complex with vomit and used condoms, among other things. It is also alleged that Stevens' neighbors have found his friends/guests availing themselves of other resident's patio furniture. By far the least of these accusations is that Stevens parks his car in such a way he occupies multiple spots in the building lot, none of which belong to him.

If the allegations pertaining to used condoms and vomit contain even the smallest grain of truth, this story blows away the bizarrely homoerotic hazing ritual of Greg Maddox as the most disgusting story I've heard about a sports figure in a long time. Normal human beings simply do not live like this. This strange, quasi-feral, disgustingly childish behavior is just another in a long list of reasons not to like Jerramy Stevens. And it makes him a tool of note.

I'm still not convinced that he's a bigger tool, when it's all said and done, than the guy who inspired the tool of note segment (from way back when I was young and strong and in my natural prime, and the segment was still called tool of the week). I decided to throw the link back up on a post, because I got to thinking about what he was up to, and if his page had changed at all. Alas, he changed his profile setting to private, so you can only judge by the picture and the quote.

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